15 Things I Want My Son to Know About Love and Sex
By Caron C. Andrews
Search online and you can find all kinds of tips on how men can be good lovers and avoid things that turn women off. You can find tons of information on birth control and avoiding STDs. But where can a young man turn to learn about the emotional and relational aspects of healthy sex? Where can he go to learn beyond standard sex ed? Right here. As his mom, there are things I want my son to know.
1. It’s natural; there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s meant to be a pleasurable and connecting part of our lives, not to mention to propagate life!
2. Sex is intensely personal and intimate. It’s a bonding experience for you and your partner that’s between just the two of you. It’s not something to discuss at length with your buddies.
3. It’s supposed to be respectful and dignified. Pornography and careless pop culture portray it as a dirty, aggressive activity, but sex within a loving relationship has to include true caring for the pleasure and well-being of the other.
4. It brings two people together with real emotional intimacy. Sex can be purely physical, but in its best expression, it’s about the emotional attachment you and your partner have.
5. It’s not about performance. You don’t need to be the world’s best lover in order to have a mutually satisfying sex life. If you are tuned in to your partner’s wants and needs, you can each be fulfilled.
6. Emotions have a lot more to do with sexual pleasure than simple stimulation. Physical sensations are powerfully influenced by the feelings you have for each other. Without real emotional connection, sex can be empty and unfulfilling.
7. Sex is not necessary in order to have a great relationship. Take your time to know your partner as a friend and a person before engaging in sex. It’s perfectly fine to have a non-sexual romantic relationship if one or both of you don’t want to take it further.
8. Your girlfriend has been affected by porn culture whether she’s viewed it or not. Because porn has seeped into pop culture, your girlfriend has likely been socialized to believe things like she needs to be hairless, perform certain sex acts whether she really wants to or not, and to attain an impossible beauty and “sexiness” standard.
9. It’s okay to not want sex from just anybody. Myths would have you believe that men are always ready for sex and always want it. Not true. Sometimes you’ll just want to cuddle or be by yourself. That’s normal and perfectly acceptable.
10. Most women want emotional connection with sex. Sometimes women just want the physical act, but more than likely, most girls you meet want to have a full, emotionally intimate relationship. This is especially true if it becomes sexual.
11. What you say is as important as what you do. Show your love and desire for your partner with words, not just sexual moves. Tell her how you feel and how you see her.
12. Being a man does not mean being a “stud” with as many sexual conquests as possible. When you face this kind of pressure, it’s important to determine whether that’s in line with your values and what you want from a sexual relationship.
13. Your partner’s pleasure is as important as yours. Her needs, desires, and sensations are essential and worthy and should be treated as such.
14. Communication about sex with your partner is vital. As in any healthy relationship, good communication will help each of you in an intimate relationship understand the other and know each other’s sexual feelings and expectations.
15. It’s okay to be vulnerable. Sex is intensely personal and can touch on deeply felt emotions. Letting yourself be vulnerable to your feelings and being able to express them does not make you weak; in fact, it strengthens the bond you have with your partner.
I want my son to experience a unifying, emotionally intimate relationship with the woman he chooses when the time is right for them. Facts and statistics are important, but the humanity of sex is paramount.
See our book 30 Days of Sex Talks for ages 3-7, 8-11 and 12+ to find ways to start conversations about topics like this; including lessons and activities to empower your child with knowledge of sexual intimacy!