By Tina Mattsson
Many of us are aware of the pressing need to talk about the dangers of pornography with our kids. But what if you are a parent who struggles with this issue yourself? Even parents who struggle can have a positive influence on their children.
Kyle Flora is the Director of Community Development and Leadership Development with Bravehearts.org (personal communication, May 13, 2016).
Flora stated that a parent’s ability to successfully talk to their kids(s) about the dangers of pornography really depends on where the parent is in their struggle and recovery. Many addicted parents struggle to start these conversations because of feelings of intense hypocrisy.
For example, a dad who has been a porn/sex addict for 25 years and is not getting help or doesn’t even really recognize he needs help could have extreme guilt. He might wonder, “How do I talk to my kid about why this is bad when I’m lying through my teeth because I don’t believe it’s bad?”
What about the parent who struggles but knows it’s wrong and has had some bright moments in the past, months here and there of sobriety? Even then, the words can get muddled, and they don’t come out as genuine. Flora describes a fog that settles in on an addict’s spirit and brain. “Our neuropathways are just riddled with toxicity from pornography and other types of sexual immorality.” So a dad might think, “Why can’t I think clearly about this?” Flora explains it’s because he has allocated all his “thinking resources and mental faculties to something very different and something very toxic that is ruining every other facet of [his] life.”
Flora believes that “only through a father getting well himself is he going to one, have the courage; two, have the clarity; three, have the wisdom; and four, have the desire to fight for [his] children.” It is very difficult for a parent to have any of those things unless they are healthy or in the process of getting healthier.
As far as a parent sharing their personal experiences with their children, it depends on the age and maturity of the child. And he advises to “call up the true identity of [your child] instead of pointing out the sin.” For example, if a father found something in his teenage son’s room that implied the son might have something he needs to discuss, the father could say to the son, “I know this is going on; I’d love for you to share with me what’s really going on. But before you share with me, I’d like to tell you some things.” Flora further notes that this should be done in a way that empowers the child. Also, graphic detail is not needed because that’s not the most important thing. “The most important thing is that [the child] feels and sees his father being genuine and being vulnerable and being true and being willing to say things or explain things that might feel pretty darn shameful, but he loves his [child] so much . . .” that he’s willing to have this conversation. That in and of itself would show the child that this is safe place for him to be honest and open up about any issues he may have or questions plaguing him.
However, parents can and should discuss what pornography is, positive media versus negative media, online safety, and how to be safe outside of the home with friends and family. Flora has a 6-year-old daughter, and he recently talked with her about images she may encounter, and in a very simple manner he introduced the topic of pornography to his daughter.
Find an easy to use lesson addressing how to talk to your child about pornography here.
According to Flora, the first practical step a parent with an addiction should take if they want to help protect their kids is to get into a real recovery program, with a group around them that can be their support and sounding board.
Flora wants all parents and dads especially to know that no matter how bad of a parent they think they are or no matter how far gone they think they are, they really aren’t. “We are not those guys. We may make poor choices, and we may make very bad choices. But it is the sin inside of us. It is not our identity. The more that we can believe that to be true, the heavier the impact will be on our kids as they see us walk out of shame and guilt into the light and bring our kids to the light with us.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with an addiction to pornography or sex, check out http://www.bravehearts.org/home/. They offer many different options, including one on one mentoring and group mentoring. Flora is a certified pastoral sexual addiction specialist with a background in international ministry. Bravehearts is faith-based and Christ-centered program and has members from all over the United States and the world participating.
To help parents start the conversation, we’ve developed a program called and How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography, which is also available in . Also, check out our Resources page on our site for free lesson plans and much more to help you on this journey.
Need Help with Tough Topics? We got you covered!Tina Mattsson has a BA in Journalism with a Minor in English. She is a mother, writer and advocate for children’s safety and education. She is currently pursing a Master’s Degree in Education.
