By Kaitlin Harker and Dina Alexander, MS
Kids are curious. They hear things on the playground, from older siblings, and from you. Our children seem to always be listening, even when we might not think they are. This often leads to some exciting questions. And this is a good thing!
We want our kids to be curious about life, and we want them to ask us their questions. However, and questions that surround sex can sometimes be scary or nerve-wracking.
The following questions below are commonly asked by children. There is a simple answer and more complete answer provided for you to use depending on the maturity, age, and personal experiences of your child. You know and love your child more than anyone else. Start simply and then use your wisdom and knowledge of each of your kids to decide what they are ready for.
Be honest and answer your child’s questions calmly and matter-of-factly. This way, they know they can trust you and be comfortable coming to you with future questions. Remember to be positive and encourage your child to come to you first! It’s important that you are the one to so that they do not seek answers from friends or the internet. Looking up innocent terms online like “vagina” or “sex” usually leads to a false narrative, unhealthy answers, or damaging pornography.
Here are some of the most common questions kids ask about sex.
Why do boys have a penis? Why do girls have a vagina?
Simple Answer: Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina because they were meant to fit together.
More Complete Answer: A boy has a penis so that when he becomes a man, he can use his penis to deliver sperm into a woman’s body. Then she can become pregnant and have a baby.
*Whether you believe in evolution or creation, you understand that biologically men and women are meant to fit together to perpetuate our species. Don’t be afraid to be honest about biology and nature.
What is sex?
Before you answer this question, make sure your child and you are on the same page by asking your child what they already know about the word “sex.” If your child seems ready (perhaps they mention that kids have been talking about sex on the playground or they ask more specific questions), start with a simple answer. You may wish to speak in the abstract. You could say something like this: “A man and a woman each have body parts that fit together…”
For a more complete answer, describe sexual intercourse. Here are the basics: a man places his erect penis into the vagina of his partner. She may help direct him to make insertion easier. One or both partners may thrust rhythmically until the man or both of them orgasm. (You may want to add that most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, not just penile insertion.)
You may also wish to talk about the intimate, bonding experience sex can be. Feel free to add your personal values about sex as well: how old a person should be before having sex, the importance of safe sex, sex in a committed relationship versus hook-up sex, etc.
What’s an orgasm?
Simple Answer: They are good feelings in the genital area–and sometimes beyond that physical area. Both men and women can have them.
More Complete Answer: When a man has an orgasm it feels warm and tingly and semen with sperm will come out of his penis. This is called “ejaculation.” When a woman has an orgasm it will feel warm and tingly in her vulva area as well. Her vagina will lubricate itself. This is often referred to as “getting wet.”
Why do people want to have sex?
Simple Answer: Wanting to have sex is a natural desire, and a way for adults in a committed relationship to express their love.
More Complete Answer: The desire to have sex is natural in both men and women. When men and women have sex, it’s a fun activity and they are able to express their love for one another. During sex, there are also certain hormones that are released that help adults feel good and feel bonded to one another.
Does sex hurt?
Simple Answer: Sex is meant to be an enjoyable experience between grown-ups.
More Complete Answer: (Ask your child questions to understand the context of their question) Perhaps they saw an inappropriate scene on TV or had a frightening experience. Gently draw out their concerns. Explain that sex, sexual touching, kissing, hugging, and caressing should happen only when both people want it, when it feels good to them, and both have given full consent. No one should force someone else to do these things. Explain to your child if they are ever in a situation where someone hurts them, they can speak up and make the other person stop. Instruct them to then tell you or another adult they trust if something like this happens to them.
How does the baby get inside a woman?
Simple Answer: When a man ejaculates, sperm goes into the woman’s vagina. From there, the sperm swim to the cervix and up the fallopian tube to the egg. The egg becomes fertilized and the baby’s sex is set.
More Complete Answer: When a man ejaculates, millions of sperm are propelled into the vagina. From there, the sperm must swim through the vagina to the cervix and up the fallopian tube. Only a few dozen sperm may actually make it to the egg. The fastest and strongest sperm can make the trip in around 45 minutes, but fertilization can occur up to a week after sex. Once the sperm reaches the egg, it begins a frantic effort to get through the cell wall. The first one that breaks through causes a cellular reaction which makes the fertilized egg impenetrable to any other sperm. The fertilized egg becomes an embryo. At the moment of fertilization, the baby’s genes and sex are determined. If the sperm has a Y chromosome, the baby will be a boy. If it has an X chromosome, the baby will be a girl. The fertilized egg stays in the fallopian tube for about 3 to 4 days, but within 24 hours of being fertilized, it quickly starts dividing into many cells. It keeps dividing as it moves slowly through the fallopian tube to the uterus. Its next job is to attach to the lining of the uterus. This is called implantation. The embryo or fetus grows and develops inside a woman’s uterus during pregnancy.
Do you and Dad have sex?
Simple Answer: Yes, we do. It is a time for Mom and Dad to express love and feel close to one another. It is very special to us.
More Complete Answer: A healthy part of a committed relationship, such as marriage, includes expressing love through having sex. We are able to feel close to one another and enjoy our time together.
*A common follow-up question from kids is to ask how often you are having sex. Feel free to tell your kids that is a question you are not willing to answer.
What’s pornography?
Simple Answer: It’s pictures or videos of naked people.
More Complete Answer: Porn is pictures or videos of people engaged in sexual activity. In it, sex and bodies are commodified, or turned into a product, for the sole purpose of making money. The most common form of pornography is online porn.
In porn, the actors and actresses are behaving in a way to sexually arouse the viewer, not each other. They are usually acting like everything they are doing is exciting or arousing. But remember, they are acting. Most kids think that if they copy the things in porn they will have fun, amazing sex lives. But this is not the case. What you see in porn is fake, selfish, devoid of intimacy, and sometimes cruel.
*A great resource to learn more about how to talk to your kids about pornography is: How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography.
Is it as easy to have an orgasm in real life as it is in movies and pornography?
Simple answer: No. In movies and porn, people are acting.
More Complete Answer: There are many factors that play into an orgasm. There typically needs to be clitoral stimulation for women. There are also factors dependent on age, experience, the stress in a person’s life, and how the relationship is going. There are a lot of factors that play into having an orgasm, especially for women.
As you talk about sex to your children and answer these questions, remember to be frank, honest, and calm. Sex is an amazing, natural part of life and it’s normal for your children to be curious about it. Be positive to your children as you talk to them about sex, but also explain that it is their body and their choice.
Looking for more help? Check out our 30 Days series. Each book has 30 lessons with simple talking points and engaging questions to facilitate meaningful discussions about sex.
30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 3-7
30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 8-11
30 Days of Sex Talks: Ages 12+
Kaitlin Harker is a junior at Brigham Young University and will be graduating next April with a degree in English. She has been married to her best friend for almost a year and they have a husky named Osha. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, being outside, and reading mystery novels.
Dina Alexander is the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids. She is the creator of Noah’s New Phone: A Story About Using Technology for Good, Petra’s Power to See: A Media Literacy Adventure, How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. She received her master’s degree in recreation therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelors from Brigham Young University. She tries to be a great mom and loves spending time with her husband and three kids. She lives in New Mexico.
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