By Kaitlin Harker
While every story is different, many stories share similarities. Some stories are easy to share, while others, like mine, take a long time to share with anyone besides close friends and family. However, with suicide rates rising and mental health concerns becoming more and more prevalent, I know it’s time to share my story, in the hopes that it can be of help to you, your child, and anyone else who finds themselves in the dark abyss that seems impossible to climb out of.
It’s the story of how I almost killed myself.
It started when I began my freshman year of high school. I was at a brand new school and everything was different. My classes felt so much harder than they were in middle school. My teachers didn’t resemble the caring individuals that I had come to love and appreciate at my previous school. Making friends required a lot of effort, and the ones I did make, just weren’t as kind as the friends I’d made in middle school. Soon, my peers began making fun of me. They teased me for being uptight and worried about my grades. They teased me when I would get anxious and couldn’t calm down. It felt like everything was piling up, threatening to overwhelm me. And I began to shut down.
The challenges I faced at school, combined with the lack of sleep due to sports and homework, led me to a dark place I had never been before. It was an abyss of despair and anguish.
I didn’t feel like myself. It was as though I was having an out-of-body experience. I was doing the things I was supposed to, but it felt like I was removed from the situation. My physical self was going through the motions, while my spirit watched from a distance. I felt sad and incredibly lonely. I never felt good enough or that I could accomplish anything worthwhile.
As the year wore on, the anguish and gloom slowly overwhelmed me. In October, I started to self-harm, punishing myself because I believed that I deserved it. That the pain I caused was warranted due to my failures and inadequates. Over the next five months, I continued this pattern, there seemed to be no escape from my problems or the misery that plagued me.
While I didn’t want to die and leave my family and friends behind, I couldn’t find a way out. I couldn’t see a way to escape the challenges and problems I was facing. I didn’t see a way to deal with the negative feelings that were taking over my entire being.
Depression manifests itself slightly differently in each person. Individuals suffer from similar, but unique symptoms. For me, it felt as if I was simultaneously experiencing incurable sadness, unspeakable emptiness, and complete numbness. I felt that no one else had been where I was and that no one understood. What I didn’t know then was that I was not alone. Let me be clear: more people have felt this way than you can possibly imagine. Depression is NOT something to be ashamed of, but it IS something to talk about. As I reached out to my friends and parents, they helped me come up with a plan to combat these thoughts and feelings. They removed all lethal/harmful objects and anytime those feelings threatened to overwhelm me, I would go running. My parents would take me out for ice cream and made sure to emphasize how much they loved me. My friends let me know that they were there for me and provided a listening ear.
Though my loved ones wanted to help, therapy was never an option for me because they didn’t necessarily believe in mental health. They would joke about my situation and be sarcastic about my feelings. Now, I realize that their reactions came from a lack of understanding, not a lack of love. But those jokes and nonchalant reactions confused and disheartened me. It made an already awful situation that much more difficult. As you talk to your children about depression, please remember to listen to your child’s feelings, trust them, and educate yourself. No one deserves to think that their feelings aren’t valid.
No matter what your child is facing, please help them know that they are not alone. Your child has you, other family members, teachers, and friends that love and care about them. Remind them that these people want to help in any way that they can. I want you and your child to be happy and I want you both to keep living and accomplish the amazing things that I know you will. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, there is hope. I am living proof that there is hope.
It’s been seven years since I was a freshman in high school. Since then, I’ve married, graduated college, and had a little boy. I am extremely grateful that I chose to stay. I’m not “cured” or healed. Sometimes I still have those thoughts. But I have an incredible therapist, a loving family, and caring friends that are by my side. Despite the mental health challenges I have, I know that life can be beautiful, and I choose to keep living for the good things that have come and the good things that will continue to come.
What Can You Do for Your Child?
- Oftentimes, the hints that a child is depressed or suicidal are minimal, but as you pay close attention, you will be able to notice them.
- Check-in regularly with your child. It is important to continually talk with your child and see how the different things in their life are going. Ask about school, their friendships and other relationships, and how they are feeling mentally and emotionally.
- Be respectful. If they are having these thoughts and feelings, they need to be taken seriously. Don’t assume that your child is trying to “get attention” or “be popular”. More often than not, they really need your help and support.
- Sit down and talk with them. Try to pinpoint where some of these feelings are coming from and work together to come up with a game plan for when they start feeling like this. What are they going to do? Who are they going to talk to? Can anything that is making them feel suicidal or depressed be taken out of their lives?
- While you are a great resource, consider seeking a qualified therapist or a psychologist for your child. Keep the suicide hotline’s information in a high-traffic, obvious place, such as on your fridge, and remind your child that they can find help when they need it.
Suicide Hotline: 988
Call, text, or have an online chat. They are available 24/7.
I promise you—there is hope and a beautiful wondrous future ahead of you!
For amazing discussions that genuinely strengthen your child and help them see their worth, check out our book 30 Days to A Stronger Child.
Kaitlin Harker is a recent graduate of Brigham Young University–Idaho, where she received a Bachelor’s degree in English. She has been married to her best friend for two years now and has a little boy. Currently, she is enjoying her time as a mom and is working to spread awareness about mental health and be an advocate for those that are struggling.
