By Caroline Hilton, MS
The dating scene has dramatically changed for millenials and it is likely to continue to digress for Generation Z. We live in a NOW society, with little ability to wait for that planned date, wait to be courted, or wait for sex with the right person. This lack of self-restraint has led to an influx of singles–especially teens– experiencing difficulty in understanding how to progress through the phases of courtship.
According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, in Facing the Shadow (2010), sexual addiction is often based in intimacy and courtship disorders. A healthy relationship will naturally move forward through a series of courtship stages as follows:
- Noticing This first stage of courtship is important; it is where we single out the desirable traits in others and weed out the unappealing traits.
- Attraction We feel the attraction towards the other person; here, attraction applies in both physical and emotional ways.
- Flirtation Flirting allows messages and cues to be sent to our person of choice to let them know we are interested in them and attracted to them.
- Demonstration Here, we actively begin to demonstrate our traits, abilities, and skills to the other partner hoping for a reciprocal response.
- Romance Romance is the “ability to experience, express, and receive passion” (Carnes, 2010). To receive and experience romance, we must have a strong sense of self-worth and know that we are worthy of being loved.
- Individuation An individual must have their own identity in the relationship. The relationship cannot be one’s whole identity. It is the ability to be who you are and not feel like the other person wants you to change–also, giving your partner the same courtesy.
- Intimacy According to Carnes, intimacy is: “Being known fully and staying anyway” (Carnes, 2010). Intimacy requires healthy attachment and the risk of being vulnerable.
- Touching Touching includes both intimate and erotic touch. Touch has to include boundaries and respect for it to feel safe for both partners.
- Foreplay Foreplay allows a couple to express intimacy and passion through touch without intercourse as the goal.
- Intercourse “More than the exchange of body fluids, this is the ability to surrender oneself to passion” (Carnes, 2010). Intercourse is about giving up control and being vulnerable.
- Commitment In this stage, partners commit to each other; for this to occur, there has to be a high level of trust in the relationship–otherwise, a partner will seek out “trusting attachments” such as alcohol, drugs, or risky sex.
- Renewal Courtship in a relationship should never end. Partners should continue to court and flirt with their partner and keep the passion alive.
With so many kids being exposed to pornography and hyper sexualized media at a young age, and with so many turning to pornography to get answers about sex, we should be very concerned and !
Pornography, in and of itself, demonstrates this lack of courtship and intimacy quite bluntly as it skips or cancels out the majority of these intimate phases altogether. Pornography portrays pleasure and instant gratification and not the emotional bonding and connection that will help a relationship to thrive in the long term.
Here are some ways we can help our children realize their worth and teach them that they deserve to be courted:
- Have conversations with children about their .
- Remind children that with someone they do not love or are not committed to.
- Discuss the natural progression of a healthy relationship with your children as discussed above.
- Share stories and andfrom your own courtship years.
- , like continually dating your spouse–or, if you are a single parent, having appropriate dating relationships.
- When appropriate, let your children see these phases in action. For example, it is good for them to see parents flirting or holding hands.
As we create an awareness about these things in our our own homes and families, we can positively influence our children’s future. The rewards of naturally flowing through the courtship process will be well worth the wait and lead to relationships based on intimacy, trust, and real connection.
For more information on talking to children about healthy relationships,intimacy, and healthy boundaries, check out our books, available for three age groups: 3-7, 8-11, and 12+. Available on Amazon.
Caroline Hilton received her Bachelor’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University in 2011. During that time, she completed an internship at a residential treatment center for teenage girls dealing with a variety of challenges such as addiction, trauma, and eating disorders; this sparked her desire to work in the mental health field. She attained her Masters degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from the University of Texas at San Antonio. She is a single mother of two children who keep her very busy! She enjoys art, cooking, and the outdoors.
Citations:
Carnes, P. (2015). Facing the shadow: starting sexual and relationship recovery: a gentle path to beginning recovery from sex addiction. United States: Gentle Path Press.
