By Dina Alexander, MS
This is part one in a two-part series. Part two, can be found .
Talking to our kids about masturbation seems to be at the bottom of every parent’s wish list. We would much rather talk about boring carpool schedules, credit card bills, or even Donald Trump’s latest tweet.
Maybe it’s the word that makes us feel a bit squirmy, makes us blush, or makes us highly aware of our own vulnerabilities. And none of the slang terms for it seem to alleviate any of these negative feelings either. Why is that?
We don’t have a problem with the word “terrorism” or “death” or “cancer.”
The answer can be found in another word: shame.
Many of us feel ashamed if we did/do masturbate. We feel shame if we don’t masturbate. We feel shame if we want to masturbate “too much” or if we don’t have a desire to… Unfortunately we seem to feel shame in many things related to sex and pleasure.
*Remember, there is a big difference between “shame” and “guilt.” Shame is the feeling that “I am a bad person,” versus guilt which may feel more like, “I did something wrong” or “ I made a mistake.”
This can be problematic when we are trying to give our kids healthy, accurate sexual information. And it seems to impede our ability to communicate with our kids about our feelings, beliefs and understanding of masturbation.
So how can we get past shame and really help our kids understand masturbation?
First, take some time to examine any feelings of shame you might have about sex and masturbation. Sometimes it is helpful to journal these thoughts in order to sort through them. Think about what may have first triggered this shame. Was it something taught by a parent or teacher? Did you have shameful feelings associated with your own masturbation as a kid? Is it related to sexual abuse in your past?
If necessary, get help for any major unresolved issues in your life that are affecting your parenting or ability to talk openly about sexual topics with your kids. may be helpful.
Think about your approach. What is your tone when you are talking with your kids about sex and masturbation? If possible, include your partner and decide how to handle future discussions and ask them for feedback on how you are doing. Many parents inadvertently embarrass or shame their children about sex or masturbation, even when they have no adverse feelings about their kids masturbating.
Understand that the desire to masturbate is normal. Parents seem especially concerned when small children masturbate when this is probably the most natural time in a person’s life to do so. Because we are viewing masturbation through the lens of adulthood and our own experiences, we think of it as a sexual act. For a young child, it is not sexual. It is merely a way to explore their bodies and feel good (like scratching an itch or running fingers through your hair). Remember, a parent’s reaction to masturbation can help children either appreciate their bodies or shame them.
Talking to your child about masturbation
First, decide if masturbation is something you are okay with or not. But whatever you decide about it, get rid of the shame! Integrate your personal belief system and morals into the conversation. Many of us have differing opinions on this and that is okay.
Decide which parent should take the lead on this discussion. However, if possible, both parents should be involved in these conversations. This helps demonstrate openness and willingness to discuss difficult topics.
Get comfortable! Talking about masturbation with your kids means getting comfortable—or pushing through your discomfort—with saying words like “orgasm,” “arousal,” “ejaculation,” “erection,” and “semen” (Gilkerson, 2016). Our books, for Ages 3-7, 8-11, and 12+ can make this easy!
Be sensitive and realistic. For younger kids, be careful not to create shame. They are merely exploring their bodies. For older kids, chances are, they have already tried masturbating and are going to be embarrassed about you bringing this topic up. Be kind and sensitive as it is inevitable that each of your kids is going to explore their body and almost certainly masturbate. If you approach this topic in an inflexible or negative manner, they most likely will tune you out, feel shame in their masturbation and/or not seek your views about sexual topics.
Approach each child differently. Each of your kids has a different personality, individual concerns and specific coping mechanisms. Know your child and do your best.
Discuss moderation. If you feel masturbation is healthy, it should still be done in moderation. In our culture, we set limits and standards with food, exercise, sleep, vitamins, medicine, habits, and everything else related to health. But with issues related to sex, we tend to say to kids “never do it” or “anything is okay.” Neither of these are healthy options for adults. Desires for love and sex itself are healthy! Teach your kids the appropriate time for sex and the ideal relationship for healthy intimacy. Is that in a marriage relationship? When you are deeply in love? Teach your kids your values.
Help your kids understand what moderation is. Is moderation having sex 3-4 times a week? Once a week? Is masturbating once a month okay? Once a day?
Set limits and discuss your expectations. If you feel masturbation is unhealthy, talk with your kids about the expectation you have for your home. Be sure to honestly explain why you feel that these rules are necessary—whether these reasons are spiritual, religious or personal.
Talk about coping skills. Many kids use masturbation to self-soothe when they are bored, lonely, tired, or when they are feeling stressed out or anxiety. If you don’t want your child to masturbate, or masturbate too frequently, discuss other options for coping with stress like playing a sport, reading, crafting, cooking, talking, playing a game, etc.
Explain why masturbating to porn is unhealthy. For older kids and teens, pornography often accompanies masturbation. Discuss with your kids the addictive and hateful nature of pornography. Your child should understand that masturbating to porn changes the way we view other people, dehumanizing them into objects to be used. Porn also normalizes violence against women, incest, and other deviant behavior.
If you “catch” your child masturbating, don’t scold or shame them. A younger child can usually be redirected to another activity. If if is an older child, give them their privacy. If you think masturbation is healthy, apologize for invading their privacy–don’t pretend it didn’t happen. If you feel masturbation is unhealthy, kindly remind your child of your expectations.
This is a lot of advice to take in, so pick the pieces that you feel apply to you. And relax! You know and love your child more than anyone. You are the right person to discuss masturbation and other sexual topics with them.
A bottom line worth stressing is that masturbation should not play a major role in your child’s life, either as a source of relentless guilt or as a frequent and persistent habit that displaces healthy sexual relations in the future.
For more helpful information about talking to your kids about sex, masturbation, intimacy, boundaries, predators, sexual identification and more, check out our series (for ages 3-7, 8-11, and 12+).
Further Information on Sexual Behaviors:
When is Masturbation a Problem?
(from healthychildren.org)
Occurs frequently and cannot be redirected
Causes emotional or physical pain or injury to themselves or others
Is associated with physical aggression
Involves coercion or force
Simulates adult sexual acts
Progression of Normal Sexual Development:
(from UW Medicine Harborview Medical Center)
Preschool. Young children are generally curious about their bodies and explore them. Touching their own sexual body parts is common and normal. Children are also curious about adult bodies and may try to touch adult sexual body parts, such as their mother’s breasts. Children this age may be interested in bathroom activities and enjoy talking about or watching them. At about age four or five sexual behavior becomes more social. Children may play games such as “Doctor” in which they look at and touch one another’s sexual body parts. By age five, most children have asked some questions about sex, such as where babies come from, physical differences between males and females, body organs and functions, and the coming of another baby.
Grade School. Children continue their interest in their bodies, but by this age they are more aware of the social rules for sexual talk and behavior. They also develop a sense of modesty and can be very sensitive to being seen undressed or bathing. As a result, sexual behavior is more likely to be hidden from adults. On the other hand, children may have heard sexual terms and slang for body parts, and enjoy saying dirty words to get a reaction. Telling dirty jokes or saying sexual words can be a source of amusement.
It is not unusual for children to play sex games with other children or masturbate (touching their sexual body parts). Children also become increasingly curious about adult sexual behavior. By age 10, many children are showing the first signs of puberty, and their interest in what this means increases.
Middle School/Junior High. At this time, children become increasingly aware of their own sexual feelings that naturally go along with puberty. Children may start masturbating for the sexual feelings. Children may engage in experimental sexual activity with other children. Sometimes this involves children of the same sex. They begin to develop an interest in romantic relationships. It is common to have crushes on peers or adults. Sexually related activity may involve hand holding, kissing and fondling. Questions about sexuality may shift to the father’s role in pregnancy, the process of birth, and sexual relationships in general.
Great lessons, quick and simple discussions.There are affiliate links in the blog post. When you use them to make purchases, we thank you for supporting Educate and Empower Kids!
Dina Alexander is the founder and president of Educate and Empower Kids, an organization determined to strengthen families by teaching digital citizenship, media literacy, and healthy sexuality education—including education about the dangers of online porn. She is the creator of How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. She received her master’s degree in recreation therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelors from Brigham Young University. She is an amazing mom and loves spending time with her husband and three kids. Together, they live in Texas.
Citations:
Gilkerson, L., & Gilkerson, T. (2016, February 06). The Scared Parent’s Guide to Talking About Masturbation. Retrieved July 11, 2017, from http://www.intoxicatedonlife.com/2014/08/27/talking-older-boys-masturbation-christian-perspective/
Masturbation: Six Ways to Manage It. (2013, August 24). Retrieved July 11, 2017, from https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/child-rearing-and-development/sexuality/masturbation-six-ways-manage-it
Mozes, A. (2011, August 01). Study Tracks Masturbation Trends Among U.S. Teens. Retrieved July 11, 2017, from http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/womens-health/articles/2011/08/01/study-tracks-masturbation-trends-among-us-teens
(n.d.). Retrieved July 11, 2017, from https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php
Sexual Behavior and Children: When Is It a Problem and What to Do About It. (2012). Retrieved July 8, 2011, from https://depts.washington.edu/hcsats/PDF/TF-%20CBT/pages/3%20Psychoeducation/Child%20Sexual%20Behaviors/Sexual%20Behavior%20and%20Children.pdf
UW Medicine Harborview Medical Center
Sexual Behaviors in Young Children: What’s Normal, What’s Not? (n.d.). Retrieved July 9, 2017, from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/preschool/Pages/Sexual-Behaviors-Young-Children.aspx
