By Angelina Repka
Have you ever considered the consequences of your kids consuming unrealistic portrayals of relationships, love, and sex in various media?
What do you think our impressionable kids–younger and older–are learning from silly, unhealthy, or even harmful representations of these vital life experiences?
Most children don’t understand that the ideals and expectations shown in their favorite movies or TV shows do not typically lead to healthy romance, or even true romance, in real-life situations. Furthermore, many of our teenagers today don’t see dating as their parents saw it: as a way to have fun or build a relationship. Many see dating as a game, a status symbol, or something to be done after exclusively texting for a couple of weeks.
Your teen may have the desire to have a more positive experience but could be unsure of where to start or what a relationship timeline should look like.
It’s so important that we teach our kids that some relationship ideals are not necessarily harmful, but may cause damage when they are cultivated too soon or when they are cultivated when individuals are too young. Teach your kids that their brains are still developing and getting used to new feelings, so they should avoid situations where they are left alone together. At this point in their development, it is best for them to stay in environments where consistent and loving guidance can keep them safe from handling such important decisions too quickly.
It is important that young children understand the potential long-term effects of dating, relationships, and what individuals of mutual interest do together. Way too often I have seen and experienced relationships and individuals self-destruct, due to not taking a healthy and well-informed approach to dating and relationships.
What Should Be Avoided?
- Dating before the later teen years
- Intense physical intimacy too soon or before adulthood or proper commitment
- Pornography of any kind
What Should Be Cultivated?
- Open and consistent communication with each other and with their parents
- Making sure the individuals truly like each other and not just the physical interactions
- Face-to-face interactions as much as possible
What Should a Healthy Relationship Timeline Look Like?
Mark Knapp’s Relationship Escalation Model is a great tool parents can use to talk with their kids about before they begin dating and take an interest in their peers as more than friends. It may help to caution them not to skip stages or go through any stage too quickly – courtship should not be forced. Skipping and trying to rush stages can feed into poor impulse control and it also takes away from the valuable time needed to truly get to know someone on all levels.
The “Coming Together” part of Knapp’s relationship model includes:
1. Initiation
Teach your kids to make positive first impressions on everyone they meet. It is important to note that interest and relationships naturally happen as they get to know their peers. It may help to teach them that they need to cultivate equal respect for all of their peers. Confidence and showing care for one’s appearance can go a long way (as long as these are not overdone).
2. Experimentation
In this stage, it is important to take ample time to do things together to properly get to know the other person. This is where individuals find out what they have in common or if they even have anything in common. Some healthy ideas are going on group dates for wholesome recreational activities, inviting dates to family outings, and avoiding a physical relationship at this stage.
3. Intensifying
This is where interactions become more personal, so it is important to establish mutual boundaries before getting to this stage. Children should also be told that this is often the stage that t individuals find they really have interest in each other and due to this, they should take care not to make impulsive decisions before the relationship and/or individuals have really matured.
4. Integration
Individuals of mutual interest often label their interactions as an official relationship at this stage. This is a lot for young people to commit to, so parents should ensure their children know what they want long-term and if that is healthy and compatible for them. Children need to know that they should never sacrifice their true selves or alter their goals and values to have a romantic partner, nor should they expect someone else to do that for them.
5. Bonding
By the time individuals of mutual interest reach this stage, which is often where legal commitments are made, they already have established mutual love, respect, and compatibility on all levels. Children should know that while there is no perfect relationship formula, they should understand that love, respect, and compatibility should not be compromised.
For more about teaching your kids about healthy relationships and other important topics, check out our books Conversations with My Kids: 30 Essential Family Discussions for the Digital Age and 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+: Empowering Your Child with Knowledge of Sexual Intimacy. Print and digital versions are available for purchase on Amazon.
Angelina Repka is studying for her Bachelor’s Degree in Marriage and Family Studies through the online degree program at Brigham Young University – Idaho. She is an intern through Educate Empower Kids and is anticipating graduation in July 2023. She hopes to go to graduate school for social work in the near future. Angelina also hopes to make positive changes in the community as she continues her career and education.
Citations:
Communication Theory. (n.d.) Knapp’s Relationship Model. https://www.communicationtheory.org/knapps-relationship-model/
