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By Dina Alexander, MS
I’m a good mom and I can honestly say I have tried my absolute best since day one. I’ve made thousands of choices where I have put my children’s needs above my own. I have been a full-time mom despite the temptation and pressure to do otherwise. I’ve researched the best parenting techniques and I started a non-profit to help the world be a better place for my children. However, I’ve done some dumb things. My hope is that you will learn from my mistakes and do better with your children. You should know, all of these are misdeeds that still make me cringe, hurt my heart, or bring me tremendous guilt.
1. Responded Sarcastically to a Sincere Question
Ouch! I hate that I’ve done this. When my kids were littleI sometimes thought I was being cute or funny by making a joke out of a me. But I wasn’t funny and I’m sure at some point I made one of my kids feel bad or feel embarrassed. Thankfully I grew up and stopped doing this. I hope you are smarter than I was.
2. Compared My Kids to Other Kids
It can happen in a split second, but please know, there is no benefit to us or our children. Over the years I have unfortunately compared my kids to other kids. Whether it was negatively comparing my kid’s artwork at Back to School Night or patting myself on the back when I hear another parent complain about their child’s grades, this is wrong. Even if your child always “comes out on top” with these comparisons, it won’t help your child to think they are better than other kids. And it’s worse if you are measuring your kids’ efforts and finding fault with your kids simply because they are not meeting an indefinable goal. Comparison really is the thief of joy! Our children need to be praised for their individual efforts, based on our knowledge and experience with that individual child. We can do better!
3. Bought My Child a Smartphone
Yep, I made this doozy of a mistake too. I even had the audacity to think I was being a good parent in doing this. I was silly enough to think my child “needed” it for school. Then on top of that, I allowed my child to get . Can you believe the stupidity? Like other parents I learned how rude, cold, grumpy, and selfish a teenager becomes when they have free access to a smartphone. I also learned that depression and anxiety are very real for many . Even with blocks and monitoring, allowing two of my children to have smartphones was one of the dumbest parenting mistakes I have ever made! Thankfully we got smart and took the smartphone away from my second child when he was a junior in high school and gave him a Gabb Wireless. (See below for a huge promo code to buy this “dumb” phone.) My youngest child already knows we will never pay for a child’s smartphone again and that he cannot have one until he moves out.
If your child tries to tell you they need one for school, that just isn’t true. Every teacher knows how to work around a child not having a phone and every school has tons of internet-enabled devices that your child can use. Be bold and email all your kids’ teachers. I emailed all fourteen of my two higher schoolers’ teachers a couple years ago and each one told me that my child did NOT need a phone in their class..
4. Allowed My Teenager to Go on Single Dates (Instead of Group Dates)
I have good kids, really good kids! But no teenager is emotionally mature enough to do single dating well. While still growing into their undeveloped brains, they are dealing with raging hormones and poor impulse control. Not to mention living in a hyper-sexualized culture with . Our teenagers are just NOT intellectually or emotionally equipped to go on dates alone with one person (going steady or even just casually dating one person). Our kids faced pressures and ugly situations that they were not prepared for, even with supposed good, “Christian” kids as their dates. Avoid the drama, the trauma, and the emotional rollercoaster. Allow your kids to only group-date. You won’t regret it.
5. Allowed My Anger or Frustration to Guide a Decision
All of us get annoyed or even enraged with our kids, but there is a point where it becomes destructive. This happened to me a few times over the years with terrible consequences –mostly for me! Nothing has made me feel worse than when I acted in anger toward my children. A handful of times this even resulted in me spanking my kids, telling them to “shut-up,” or shouting at them. The worst thing is that, looking back, I know I could have controlled it. Just as I have always kept my cool when a police officer has pulled me over, I know that I can keep my cool with my children. And so can you. If you need to, take a time out, count to ten, or just walk away.–it works! I’ve done these successfully many times.
6. Put My Children in a Progressive Private School
Yes, there were some great teachers and yes the grounds were nicer than a public school. However, my kids were babied, lost some of their work ethic, and indoctrinated with some ridiculous ideas. I forgot that school was really for learning science, English, math, art, history, and foreign languages, not for an administration or teachers to teach their political or social opinions. I’m not saying public school is a great choice for everyone, especially with the current political climate, but for our family, a progressive private school was a poor choice.
There are certain difficulties each of our kids needs to go through (not extreme circumstances like relentless bullying!) to make adulthood easier. Being intellectually challenged, understanding academic standards, working hard, making and keeping friends, and learning that there are unkind, difficult people in every school, business, church, and family makes our kids stronger and more successful adults.
7. Didn’t Hug and Kiss My Kids Enough When They Became Teenagers
Why do we hug and kiss our kids less as they get older? It happens in every family. Teenagers become more independent, they initiate hugs with us less, and are sometimes very prickly people. But they need us and they need healthy, physical touch. When I noticed I was hugging my kids less I made an effort to initiate more: while they were doing their homework, while thanking them for doing a chore, saying goodbye in the morning, or saying goodnight. There are other great ways to show physical affection: putting your arm around your child while watching a movie, squeezing their shoulder as you pass by them in the hall, scratching their back, or giving a kiss on the cheek. And it is always a good idea tothat you love them and love being their mom.
8. Worked While My Kids were Home
I started a non-profit a few years ago to help parents and their children. Over the years I’ve learned a lot about time management, being a boss, and working from home. But the thing that took me the longest to figure out was how to not work while my kids were home and awake. They needed me and I sometimes put their needs aside so that I could get work done or do something “important.” It was not worth it! Work is just that, work, and it is NEVER as important as your child. If you can avoid this, please do!
9. Let Myself Get Fat
In my twenties as I struggled with depression and finishing graduate school, I ate junk. I gained weight and kept eating. Then I started having kids, getting bigger and bigger. Finally after my third child I found the motivation and support I needed to lose the weight. My biggest motivation in all this? My children, I wanted to have the energy to keep up with them and I never wanted them to be embarrassed of me. I hated that I couldn’t run and play with my children at the park and I had a real worry that if one of them ran off I would not be able to catch up. Over the course of a few years, I lost 100 pounds. If you are struggling in this regard, please get help. You and your kids are worth it!
10. Made an Empty Threat
If you tell your kids that they will receive a consequence to a certain behavior, you need to follow through.There are very few times when it’s okay to not follow through. This is usually when you have received more information about the situation and have explained to your child why they will not receive the consequence or will receive an alternate consequence.
If you don’t follow through on a consequence, your child will not learn how much their actions matter. Your child needs to see you as a loving parent who cares enough to teach them and provide rules and boundaries. Then they need to test these boundaries and rules and know there are limits and consequences to behaviors. How else will they learn to regulate their own emotions and actions? Be a parent–not a friend– and set realistic rules and consequences, and then keep to them! If someone else has set the rule and consequences (school), allow your child to receive their consequence. Do NOT step in and save them!
I Hope You Learn from My Mistakes
Okay, that’s my list. I sincerely hope you learned something and will recommit with me to doing better, loving more, and teaching more wisely. All of us make mistakes and all of us have done tremendous things to help our kids be strong, healthy, good humans. Hang in there! You’re doing better than you think!
If you’d like some great discussions and activities to do with your kids that will help them develop integrity, grit, and kindness check out our books 30 Days to a Stronger Child and Conversations with My Kids: 30 Essential Family Discussions for the Digital Age.
Dina Alexander is the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids (educateempowerkids.org), an organization determined to strengthen families by teaching digital citizenship, media literacy, and healthy sexuality education—including education about the dangers of online porn. She is the creator of Noah’s New Phone: A Story About Using Technology for Good, Petra’s Power to See: A Media Literacy Adventure, How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. She received her master’s degree in recreation therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelors from Brigham Young University. She tries to be a great mom and loves spending time with her husband and three kids. She lives in New Mexico.
