I Was A Teenage “SL*T”

Teach your child about healthy sexuality now to avoid pitfalls later.

By Amanda Grossman-Scott

I remember in high school hearing rumors about girls who hooked up a lot. I’d secretly wonder about them; what did they do to attract guys? No matter what we “good girls” said, those girls always seemed a bit mysterious to us. Was it a quality they had that exuded sex? Whether the rumors were true or not (and I never doubted that they were), they made everyone at school think about it.

When I got to college, I had the opportunity to reinvent myself, not only academically, but socially. I discovered one thing quickly: the only thing a girl really needs to hook up is opportunity. And on a college campus, there is plenty of that.

So I slept around. I didn’t mean to. I never planned to. I don’t think most girls set out to become promiscuous. So how and why does it happen? In my case, I had attention from guys and I thought that my personality alone wasn’t enough to keep them interested… I thought I needed to “put out.” I based what little self-esteem I had on my appearance and sex appeal. I’d been a victim of childhood trauma, and I had little enough self-worth to want to believe lame pick-up lines. I’d drink alcohol to make myself feel better. I’d wake up with some guy trying to kiss me or fondle me, or worse. In other words: I had the means, motive, and opportunity to become a “SL*T”.

What followed was a reputation. Guys I didn’t know were calling me, approaching me, harassing me. It was kind of flattering at first, but then … I heard rumors about myself: that I had an STI, that I had an abortion (none of which were true). Girls were “slutshaming” and guys were demeaning. The word “SLUT” was written on my dorm room door.

All of a sudden I felt bad for judging girls in high school. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that a reputation could happen so easily or unintentionally. That in the blink of an eye a sex act could be over and promises whispered would disappear with a retreating back covered in Greek letters.

I tried to change my ways. My self-esteem plummeted even more, of course. I’d find myself in situations where guys would be angry at me for saying no, expecting me to live up to my reputation. I felt guilty for saying no—I actually did! Some guys wouldn’t take no for an answer, but any discussion or report of these assaults was met with doubt or a “well … what do you expect?” kind of attitude.

The twisted part of all of it was that not one of the guys I was involved with was EVER called a SL*T or any other demeaning term. To be clear, not every guy I was involved with was a terrible human being. Even if a good guy was willing to love me-which was VERY rare-I was unloveable even to myself.

After that semester, I transferred. And I began to think again about the girls I knew who had “reputations.” I wondered if they were sad and lost, if they struggled with self-worth. If they were afraid to trust anyone. If they wore extra clothes to cover themselves and were just a little extra mean to men so that no one would think, not even for a second, “that girl is a sl*t.”

As a grown woman with children of her own, I often wonder what I can do to help other kids, young men, and women avoid the pitfalls I fell into. Here are key things that might be helpful.

  • I based all my value as a person on my appearance and sexual attractiveness. I thought “if someone doesn’t want to sleep with me, I’m useless.” This can be fixed by and a outside of appearance. We all need to feel that we are amazing people of value no matter how we feel that we compare to society’s standards.
  • Judgmentalness is a tough ideal to teach our kids. We want them to choose good friends, but we don’t want them to exclude anyone. I know I wasn’t a good influence on anyone for some years, but maybe I could have used a strong friend to help show me I was better than what I was doing. We can teach our kids the difference between someone who isn’t ready for help and will drag them down, and someone who can be helped.
  • It is a symptom of our unequal standard of treatment toward women that girls with the “SL*T” label are ostracized while their male counterparts are romanticized. We should be teaching our children that every single person, male or female, is equally responsible for his or her actions. No one should be labeled because of his or her perceived actions.

When rumors fly, remember that those rumors are about our fellow human beings. Let’s remember to teach our children to remember that every one of us, particularly each young person, is struggling to find our own unique selves. This is why it is so important to establish a healthy sexuality as early as possible in life, so we’re not left feeling like we’re picking up pieces of a shattered self, but instead, puzzling out who we want to become, with endless possibilities.

Check out our books for ages 3-7, 8-11, and 12+ to find ways to start conversations about topics like this; including lessons and activities to empower your child with knowledge of sexual intimacy!

Like Us on Facebook!

30 Days of Sex Talks from Educate and Empower Kids

Available here on our website or on Amazon

social media and teens: the ultimate guide from Educate and Empower Kids

Get a FREE eBook copy of The Ultimate Guide to Keeping Kids Safe Online

How do you talk to your teens about social media? Are your kids ready? Download our free 18-page e-book, complete with a social media contract for families.

I have/Work With

Download the e-book

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies so that we can provide you with the best user experience possible. Cookie information is stored in your browser and performs functions such as recognising you when you return to our website and helping our team to understand which sections of the website you find most interesting and useful.