By Caron C. Andrews
Talking with children about sex and sexuality is intimidating for many parents, but how is it different for single parents? The conversations and healthy dialogue with your kids has a few additional factors when you are a single parent.
When Attitudes and Values Differ
When you and your ex don’t share the same attitudes about sex, you may fear that your children will be confused, getting different messages from each parent about one of the most important parts of life.
You can acknowledge differences with your kids without putting down the other parent: “Your father thinks it’s okay to have a boyfriend at age 12, but I think you should wait until you’re older,” or “Your mother thinks it’s okay to kiss when you’re 13, but I think it’s better to wait until later in your teens.” Building trusted and respectful patterns of communication with your children will go a long way in helping them to develop their own confidence and values.
Undermining the Other Parent
Many divorced parents use any opportunity to undermine the other parent’s authority or beliefs in an attempt to, in their minds, gain the upper hand with the children or hurt the ex-spouse. This can really make discussing healthy sexuality even more of a challenge.
The worst thing you can do in this situation is to act in the same way in a knee-jerk reaction: “Well, your mother never wanted to have sex, so what does she know?” or “Your dad wasn’t adventurous at all—it was always the same old thing!” No matter how difficult it may be, you have to maintain rationality and respect. If a child is caught in her parents’ war, she is going to shut down and turn away from both of you, leaving her to get her information elsewhere. If you are able to address the other parent’s stance and calmly refocus the conversation, you will keep the communication open and flowing.
When the other Parent is not Involved in Your Kids’ Lives
This can be especially challenging for an opposite-sex parent teaching their child. Be prepared before you open a conversation, and think ahead about how you will handle problems or issues before they arise.
Developing healthy, open dialogue–where questions are encouraged– lays a foundation for talking about difficult, sensitive, or even embarrassing things. It’s also the channel for sharing your positive feelings about sexuality and its importance. Offer to enlist the help of a trusted adult of the opposite sex if your child wants to talk to someone of the same gender.
Keeping the Details of Your Bad Experiences With Your Ex Out of It
Chances are, your ex is not your best friend; you got divorced for a reason. While it is necessary to talk with your kids about pornography and abuse, it is not appropriate to bash your ex in the process. It’s not healthy to give your kids a detailed account of what went wrong in your relationship; that is a burden to children. Again, you can acknowledge without bashing: “Pornography use was destructive to our marriage because it caused trust problems and interfered with real intimacy.”
While there are extra challenges for single parents, they don’t have to paralyze the ongoing conversation about sex that needs to be happening. Talk with other single parents and discuss your experiences and triumphs. Being single doesn’t mean that you have to be alone in helping kids develop positive, healthy attitudes and choices about sex.
Check out our books for awesome conversation starters about this and other sometimes-difficult subjects!
Great lessons, quick and simple discussions.References:
Gushin, S. R. (2000, February) It’s Never Too Early or Too Late to Talk With Your Kids About Sex, aboutourkids.org. Retrieved from http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/it039s_never_too_early_or_too_late_talk_your_kids_about_sex
Serani, D. (2012, March) The Do’s and Don’ts of Co-Parenting Well, Psychologytoday.com. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201203/the-dos-and-donts-co-parenting-well
Check out our new books 30Days of Sex Talks, where we encourage families of every type to start these important conversations!
