By Dina Alexander, MS
I’m an involved mom. I go to school functions, I check my kids backpacks, I volunteer for field trips, I ask my kids how their days go—Like most of you, I do my best. I also try to believe the best about school administrators. Even with all my work in educating parents and community leaders about the dangers of teen porn consumption and how to talk about its opposite, how to teach healthy sexuality, I still had high hope that my concerns would be heard. I really should have known better and expected less.
Maybe school administrators are just too overworked and underpaid. Perhaps the pressure for higher test scores, following state mandates, or complying with Common Core has just sapped their energy. Or maybe they too are tired of parents who refuse to be parents and teach personal responsibility and kindness to their kids.
In some districts around the country, like the Los Angeles suburb I grew up in, they are probably dealing with bigger issues of violence, gangs, or drug abuse. But here in the wealthiest, safest district I have ever lived, I thought surely they have some time and energy to devote to protecting our kids.
I was wrong.
Last week I became fully aware of the obtuseness, neglect, or fear of challenging the status quo our administrators demonstrate when it comes to our kids. After receiving no answer to two emails, I called and spoke to an administrator at Champion High School to inform them of a hugely popular app being used by students, called “After School.”
I let her know about the anonymous, but localized (kids must pick a local high school for their account) nature of the app which usually leads to bullying and how the app had already become a MAJOR platform for sexual harassment of students at the school. I also explained how my daughter’s photo (taken by a friend in the school cafeteria) had been posted to the app without her permission. I offered to show the administrator screen shots of the sexual harassment I had seen and asked her if we could please send an email to parents warning them of the dangers this specific app posed to their kids with a plea to please check their kids phones. I also expressed that this would be a great opportunity to encourage the parents to start talking with their children about the risks of this and other apps that pose a threat to mental and physical safety.
I should have known how predictable and avoidant her responses were going to be, but I was a naive, hopeful parent assuming that my outrage was the normal response. When I suggested that she and the other administrators download the app so they could see what I was talking about, she replied, “I don’t download those types of apps.” When I recovered from my shock at her willful ignorance, I told her, “I don’t either, but as a concerned parent and a concerned citizen of this community, I felt it was my duty to download the app since I care about kids!”
I did not let her finish her next excuse of, “Well, if there is no specific incident—.” I asked her if she would like to see the screen shots or if the school was just going to wait for someone to be bullied further or even worse, sexually assaulted . She said nothing.
She then tried the “If its not during school hours…” approach to which I replied, “If you and the other administrators will download the app, you would be able to see what is going on during school hours.” Again, silence on her end.
Finally, she thanked me for my ‘suggestions,’ but I had one final question for her. “So you’re going to sleep all right tonight, knowing dozens of girls are being sexually harassed at your school?” More silence. I finished the conversation with, “I can tell I am not going to get any help from you. I will have to find another way to warn other parents.” So here I am warning parents.
You need to know, You are on your own!
We cannot rely on schools to take the initiative to inform parents about anything more than lice outbreaks, fundraisers or testing schedules (even in high school). Whether they are too busy or too overworked, in the end it doesn’t matter. These are our children and we need to connect with them and protect them.
Schools are just as behind the times as parents when it comes to understanding any virtual, online or general technological threat, like anonymous bullying apps. And even when they do know of a new threat, it is unlikely they will communicate these to us—unless the unthinkable happens. As parents, we must take the initiative to find out the latest technology trends especially as they relate to smart phones, apps, social media and online porn.
What to do: Start talking with your kids!
Talk about apps. It’s never too late. Educate them about the good, the bad and the ugly. Show them examples of healthy apps that educate, uplift and inspire. Remind them of the potentials of social media apps like Instagram or Twitter that can be used for fun, healthy sharing, and inspiration. But educate them about the risks these apps pose like a platform for cruelty and bullying or the opportunity for predators to use their information to connect with them. Also important, warn them of dangerous apps like After School and Whisper that provide local, anonymous sharing which often lead to bullying, sexual harassment or much worse.
Talk about bullying. Help them understand that bullies are moving into the online realm as much as your child is. Discuss with your child that most of us have the potential to say callous, unkind remarks to others online. With the ease of a click or a few key strokes, she can devastate another person. Remind him what it means to be on the receiving end of a rude, thoughtless, or unwelcome sexual statements. Teach your child how to deal with people he doesn’t get along with in healthy ways that don’t require him to hide behind a screen.
Stay up to date. Visit this and other parenting websites for information on the latest tech and app trends. Share your information with other parents and ask them what they are doing to keep their kids safe.
Create deep connection. It is not enough to simply have one chat about bullying, sexual harassment or other online dangers. We need to have meaningful interactions with our kids everyday. Whether its sharing a meal together or engaging in a great discussion, we need to have face to face, eyes to eyes experiences with our kids each day. Your kids need to know that you value them above all else.
Be friends with your kids on social media. Your kids should “follow” and “friend” you and you should extend them the same courtesy. This will help you to know where your child is online and to see what kind of a person she is in the online world.
Set limits—with time and which apps your kids are using. This is probably where most of your battle with your kids will occur. It is worth it! Explain to your kids your concerns and then have an open discussion and create rules both of you can live with. Remember, if you don’t know what the app is, it should not be on your kid’s phone. When possible, make it impossible for your child to download an app without your permission. For example, my daughter and I share the same Apple ID and cloud. She does not know the password and cannot download any app without my help. This creates an opportunity to discuss each app and to quickly research it before download.
An African proverb says, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Well, we no longer have a village. We have a global community that is increasingly disconnected and fragmented. Take the initiative by providing a nurturing home life where ANYTHING can be talked about openly—especially our online interactions and relationships.
Curious to learn more? Check out our books, ; How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography, which is also available in ; and .
Need Help with Tough Topics? We got you covered!Dina Alexander is the founder and president of Educate and Empower Kids (educateempowerkids.org), an organization determined to strengthen families by forging powerful connection. She is the creator of How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. She received her master’s degree in recreation therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelors from Brigham Young University. She is an amazing mom and loves spending time with her husband and three kids.
