By Kaitlin Harker
One of my brothers has always struggled to control his emotions, especially when he gets angry. In fifth grade, he got into a fistfight at his elementary school. He was immediately sent to the principal’s office and he suffered the consequences. When we talked to him about what had happened, he said that he was trying to defend someone who was getting bullied. While my brother was trying to do the right thing, he went about it the wrong way. My brother had not yet learned how to appropriately handle his emotions. Have similar things happened to your children? Have they yelled or said unkind words? Did they not know how to handle or respond to what they were feeling?
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Technology has begun to negatively affect how our children learn and exercise emotional intelligence. Video games and social media teach our children that it is okay to lash out, say unkind words, or express negative feelings. Kids’ emotional intelligence is being hindered by screens and other media in our world today. To help combat the technology of today, it is crucial that we teach our children about emotional intelligence.
According to HelpGuide, an online resource that provides information and resources on mental health, emotional intelligence is, “…the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.” Emotional intelligence is something that all individuals must learn if they are to be successful in relationships and in life.
Why Should We Promote it in Our Children?
Along with teaching our children about emotional intelligence, it is important that we promote it in our children’s lives. Teaching and promoting emotional intelligence will help our children to better understand how they are feeling and how to manage those feelings. When situations arise like the example above, our children will be better prepared to handle those experiences appropriately. As we better help our children understand and positively regulate their emotions, they will grow as individuals and learn more about themselves and their emotions.
How Do We Promote it?
There are several things that we can do as parents to help our children learn and practice emotional intelligence. Most of these things have to do with helping our children become self-aware. We can ask our children questions that help identify what they are feeling and what is causing that feeling.
Three questions to ask our children:
- How are you feeling today?
- Why are you feeling that way? Did something cause you to feel that way?
- How are we going to handle that emotion(s) today?
We can also role-play with our children to help prepare them for when difficult situations arise.
Role-Play Guidelines:
When it comes to role-playing, it is important that you and your child communicate and know that you are going to be acting as a different person. Have your child act as themselves and you will act as another individual. You can act as a student, friend, or sibling. Pretend that something happened and it upset your child. Have them practice talking to you and have them rehearse what they would say.
Relax and Breathe
As parents, we can also teach our children how to relax and breathe through trying situations. These two techniques will help your children calm down and continue forward with a clearer mind.
- Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and count to ten. Once you have reached ten, slowly release your breath and open your eyes. Repeat three to five times.
- Start by squeezing your toes and slowly work your way up your body. Squeeze each muscle as you work upwards from your toes. Once your whole body is tense, slowly release from the top of your body to the bottom. Repeat three to five times.
As we teach our children how to understand their emotions and properly handle them, we are creating stronger, more resilient, and more understanding children. Check out our book 30 Days to a Stronger Child for great activities, discussions, and questions to help you strengthen your child emotionally, physically, socially, spiritually, and intellectually. Another fantastic book is Conversations with My Kids: 30 Essential Family Discussions for the Digital Age, a fantastic resource with 30 family night discussions. Timely topics include changing technology, AI, social media, healthy sexuality, integrity, overcoming fears, finding real joy, and so much more.
Citations:
Segal, Jeanne, et al. “Improving Emotional Intelligence (EQ).” HelpGuide.org, 1 June 2022,
Kaitlin Harker is a senior at Brigham Young University Idaho and will be graduating next April with a degree in English. She has been married to her best friend for over a year and they have a husky named Osha. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, being outside, and reading mystery novels.
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