By Shawn Tucker
Sadly, rape is a topic that parents who want to empower their children cannot avoid. I teach at a small, private university, and I have had far too many conversations with students who have been raped. Given that experience, some years ago before my oldest daughter went off to college I felt it was important that we have a conversation about this. It takes skill, love, knowledge of one’s child, and a huge pile of “Please Whatever Power There Might Be in The Universe Help Me” to know when is the best time to have this conversation.
Timing
Talking about rape just before my child went to college, now, in hindsight, seems too late. I wish I would have had this conversation earlier, but I wasn’t looking for the entrance, the starting off point to talk about this important issue. I didn’t see it because I wasn’t looking. A news story, television show, movie, or book might give you as a parent a way to make a powerful, loving, and long-lasting impression on a child. You cannot make that impression if you, like me, are not looking for an opportunity.
Impression
So we need to look for an opportunity to talk about rape, but what exactly might the impression be that we want to make? I use the word “impression” because a message conveyed with confidence, respect, and love leaves an indelible mark for good on a child. The “impression” we want to make are the following truths:
- Rape is never the fault of the victim
- Non-consensual sex is rape, and one cannot consent if one has been drinking or is otherwise incapacitated
- Coercion in any form is rape
- No one should ever tolerate rape or should ever allow it to happen without attempting to intervene/notify police
- No one should ever consent to it or encourage it by allowing others to brag in any way about non-consensual sex
- If one is the victim of rape, get medical and police attention immediately to preserve evidence and to get essential help
- As a parent, right after my child gets medical and police attention, I want that child to tell me so that I can tell that child how much I love her/him
Many elements of the rape culture that so often surrounds children must be carefully yet forcefully countered by the wise and loving people that care for them most. What techniques have you used to teach your children about rape? What has worked and not worked? Is there a particular show, movie, or book that has helped you have this conversation? And do you have points you’d add to the “impression” you’d like to make in your child?
As for my own experience, it just so happened that I was taking my child to a friend’s house about 30 minutes away, and that is when I spoke with her about rape. I said that, as a father, I felt like it was important for me to talk with her about this before she went to college, since I had seen so many victims. I asked her what she would tell a roommate who had been the victim of acquaintance rape. My daughter, unfazed, checked off a great list of what she would advise. I was pleasantly surprised that she already had such a solid knowledge. She told me that she had read a book that had helped her. And that is when I felt bad, bad that I had not looked for and taken the opportunity earlier. I’m glad she found a good book, but I wish that information would have come from someone who loves her —me.
See our book for ages 3-7, 8-11 and 12+ to find ways to start conversations about topics like this; including lessons and activities to empower your child with knowledge of sexual intimacy!
Great lessons, quick and simple discussions.Shawn Tucker is a Professor and Father of 4.
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