By: Amanda Kimball
There has been something nagging me in the back of my mind. I have a story I feel I need to share, but I am afraid to share it. It is not my desire to get anyone into trouble, but I feel my story could or might help another child. For this reason, I have left out the names of those involved. If my story could help even one child, then my fear and anxiety with telling the story will be well worth it.
Between the ages of five and seven, I was molested. It happened more than once by the same person, and I did not fully understand what was going on. I only knew I didn’t feel right when he was touching me and when he made me do things to him. I was frightened to tell someone because I thought I might get in trouble. This predator was a young man at the time. Unfortunately, not only did his actions take a toll on my life, but they also influenced my brother, who was in the room on at least one occasion.
The last time it happened, I remember covering my face, rolling over, and saying, “No, no, no.” I don’t know what gave me the strength or courage, but I escaped from the room and ran to my mother declaring, “‘So and so’ is trying to make me have sex with him.” I didn’t like what was happening, and I knew I could go to my mother for help. She had always had open and honest conversations with me. I needed someone who I knew loved me and who I knew I could trust to tell them the truth of what was happening. I didn’t tell the first few times because I didn’t want to get into trouble.
Since I was so young, I didn’t really understand what sex was, but I knew it had to do with a boy and a girl and their private parts. After I told my mom, things are a blur. Anytime I saw that boy again, I always felt awkward, ashamed, and scared. I felt I had done something wrong and that what had happened was my fault.
It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I was finally told by a school counselor that it wasn’t my fault. I was told that what happened never could have been my fault. It took me a while to believe it because I had never been told this before. I always thought I must have done something to make my predator choose me, and to make him do what he did to me. Still to this day, I know if I were to ever see him again, I would still feel awkward, ashamed, and scared.
Now I’m in my thirties and married, but I can still remember some things very vividly. Other things are blocked out, and I just don’t remember them. For this I am grateful, but I also worry about those parts that are blank. Even though this happened years ago, I still have the occasional nightmare. Luckily, I married an incredible man who is understanding and comforts me when I need it. I hate to say it, but this has had an effect on our sex life. While it only occurs rarely, it can sometimes creep into my mind during intimate times. It takes a strong man to stand by a woman who is in mental pain from something that happened so long ago. Through all this, he never judges me and has never held it against me. He constantly tells me he loves me and reassures me that as Brene Brown says, “I am enough.”
We now have one son and two daughters of our own to raise, and I worry about their safety. I would hate to have what happened to me, happen to them. I often wonder what I can do to help protect them.
Here are eight things that are critical for every parent to do to help prevent abuse and protect their kids:
- Begin with your child about sex and anatomy at an early age.
- Teach your children between child and adult is something to be wary of and questioned.
- Teach your children to recognize
- Let your children know they can always come to you and trust you with concerns.
- Never blindly surrender responsibility for your children without question.
- You as the parent should know your child’s teachers, daycare providers, coaches, and any other adults in their lives.
- of what your children are using and monitor all of their .
- Visit schools and practices unannounced. Ask questions. ( n.d.)
If your child has been sexually abused
“If you find out or suspect that your child has been sexually abused… it can take a toll on you as a parent. It’s important to find a way to , so you can focus on creating a safe environment for your child that is free from harm, judgment, and blame. It is imperative that when your child discloses to you, you continue to repeat the following messages through both your words and your actions” (Rainn, n.d.) :
- I love you.
- What happened is not your fault.
- I will do everything I can to keep you safe.
Seek out help from a trained professional. In many cases, a child will find comfort in talking to a therapist to help them cope with what they went through. The therapist can also help you in knowing what to do next.
Report the abuse
- If your child is in danger, don’t hesitate to call 911.
- You can also call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) to talk to someone locally who is trained to help.
- Call the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline at 800.4.A.CHILD(4454) any time, 24/7, to be connected with a trained volunteer who can help you through the process of reporting the crime.
- You can learn more about mandatory reporting laws in your state by visiting RAINN’s State Law Database. (Rainn, n.d.)
Even if the child is not your own, but you suspect they are being harmed, please do not hesitate to report your suspicion. You might just stop a child from being hurt or stop the abuse that is already happening.
Thinking back to that time, I often wonder if there was anything the adults could have done to prevent it. But there wasn’t. No one knew, and there would have been no reason to suspect anything. If I had not told, I know things would have gotten worse. There was no red flag or bright sign saying something bad was happening. When you are a parent to a child who has been harmed, you feel guilty because you feel like you should have known or you should have stopped it. You feel that others would blame you for not catching onto it sooner or preventing it from happening. This is not true. No guilt or blame could ever have been placed on my mother. She did not know until I spoke up. She was never told about the signs to look out for.
While sexual topics can be hard to discuss, it could be the one thing that prevents someone from harming your child. With knowledge comes power. That power can give your child the courage to say no and tell a trusted adult. I was was so young, and the little bit of information I had gave me the strength to say no and tell someone.
This article is not intended to shame anyone but rather to help; to help myself, to help my children, and to help your children. Things like sexual abuse have a lasting effect. If there is a chance that talking to your kids will prevent them from being harmed, please be brave and do it! Empower them, strengthen them, and give them knowledge.
For more information check out, or our books 30 Days of Sex Talks, Empowering Your Child with Knowledge of Sexual Intimacy. These are available for parents of kids ages 3-7, 8-11, and 12+. Within these books are simple, helpful lessons on topics such as saying, “No,” my body belongs to me, predators, instincts, and more!
Also, Check out our lessons , , and Talking to Your Kids About Consent.
Amanda earned her bachelor’s degree in Marriage and Family Studies from BYU-Idaho. She is a mother of three children and is married to a loving and devoted husband of 11 years. She loves taking family trips to the beach in the summer and watching old classic movies during the winter.
Citations:
Educate and Empower Kids. (n.d.) Can you spot the grooming behaviors of a predator? EducateEmpowerKids.org. Retrieved from https://educateempowerkids.org/can-spot-grooming-behaviors-predator
Rainn. (n.d.) Help for parents of children who have been sexually abused by family members. Rainn.org. Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/articles/help-parents-children-who-have-been-sexually-abused-family-members
