Eight back-to school conversations that will make your daughters developing sexuality easier on you both.
By Lacy Bentley
Whether we are talking about the birds and the bees, pornography and her developing brain, or her soon-to-arrive monthly visitor, there are things your daughter needs to know you know. She needs to hear from you about what’s going on inside of her, and how prepared you are to help her navigate it.
- That monthly visitor is coming, and it is a powerful gift. We all know it is a pain, and not always convenient, but it is also important. She’ll need to keep herself clean and have back-up hygiene needs with her. Now’s a great time to pick out a cute purse that will help her feel extra special, while providing a place to keep herself ready with anything she might need (mini chocolate bars included, just for fun!) A few of the big makers of hygiene for girls have super fun packaging now, too. If only we had that 20 years ago, right? Let her celebrate this potential to create life, while also understanding the responsibility that comes with it, when she is ready.
- Boys will start to notice her more, does she understand they don’t have a right to tease her, make fun of her, or touch her? If she knows she can come to you for a pep talk, a hug, and perhaps some action, she’s gain the confidence to speak up and hold her own sexual boundaries. Tell her what sexual harassment is in simple terms, then encourage her to talk to you and other safe adults. Help her make a list. This world normalized sexual harassment, innuendo, and rape. She is worth more and has every right to stand up for herself. Prepare her now but being her advocate, so she is ready if she ever needs to go to the police. Scary to think about, and you are her best defense. Using words like “teasing” and “not okay” are enough. Just knowing she doesn’t need to let anyone get away with touching her in any way that feels uncomfortable sets a good foundation. A special note for black girls: you already know others think they can touch your amazing hair without permission. The struggle is real. This conversation goes for every part of her, and she can say “don’t touch my hair” just like she can expect to not be touched anyplace else. Hair is part of her, and just because it is visible doesn’t make it accessible.
- She can’t lose you. Make sure she knows that anything she tells you is private and you can handle it. Tell her she won’t shock you or upset you, this is about her knowing you love her no matter what, and even if, she’s done something you may not agree with. (or even if someone else has talked her into, forced her into, or pressured her into doing something she thinks you will be upset about.) Her body is her body. No exceptions. Force or manipulation is never okay (and sexual harassment IS bullying). Explain what manipulation is (someone talking you into something you don’t want).
- You know what’s up. Let them her you are aware of how hormones, sex, pornography and those fun butterfly feelings when her crush is around work. If she feels it, sees it, or experiences it, you understand. You understand that they might feel different things, and whatever they feel is OK. You understand how it can come up by accident, but also how she and her friends might get curious or click on something that looked safe but turned out not to be. You won’t blame her for what other people do, and you will help her stand up for herself. She needs to know she can come to you no matter what.
- Make sure she has strong, emotionally healthy role models that look like her. Young women who are not white will struggle more to find these role models, especially if they don’t live in an area where ethnic and racial diversity abound. If she doesn’t have teachers and local leaders that look like her, she’ll need support finding others. Mom and Dad are great, so are grandparents and Aunties. But what about the rest of the world? Are there strong Hispanic, Asian, Black, or Polynesian women whose autobiographies, photographs, and image you can share with her? This is a little easier for white young women. You may need to go out of your way to help her find women to admire and look up to. Teach her what a positive role model is, and that just because she is a young woman of color does not mean she is not just as valuable, beautiful, or capable as any other young woman.
- You protect yourself too, and you intentionally try to become better by looking to role models. Use your own filters and let her know everyone in your home has them. Reassure her it’s not her you don’t trust, it’s just that things come up that are not healthy. Let her know this goes for violence, pornography, even mean or hurtful things that might show up. If she felt sad or other uncomfortable emotions, let you know so you can check the filters and talk her through what may have come up. This way she knows you are there to help her learn to protect herself. How do you imagine her role models and yours would stand up for themselves? How does she imagine they would handle it when others touch them in ways they do not like, or without their permission?
- It’s your job to protect her while she learns to protect herself. Make sure she knows you keep an eye on things, so you can protect those in your home, guests or residents. Be honest about the filters, that you check emails and texts, etc. It’s like if they were having a birthday party: you hang around close enough to make sure if someone gets hurt, or needs anything, you are right there. Same thing. Then hang around but give enough space for her to explore her relationships and personal boundaries. Step in to teach and guide when needed. If you are transparent about what you are worried about and your responsibilities as a parent, she will not feel she must hide.
- This is about her getting the truth about her value. Sex isn’t bad–it’s awesome, and she is not an object. She is a beautiful, capable, powerful young lady. Her wanting to understand how her body works isn’t bad–curiosity is necessary and wonderful! Reassure her you would rather answer her questions than have her go searching online for answers that will probably not be honest or helpful. Let her know you want her and her friends to honor, respect, and appreciate their own bodies and sexuality. Pornography will not teach them to do that, but you will.
This world is crazy, but you can teach her to protect and honor herself. Part of honoring herself is standing up for what she believes in and speaking up when she’s not comfortable. There are times it is better to speak up through walking away or getting parents or other authorities involved. She has value that can’t be changed by what she or anyone else does. She gets to create the kind of life she wants to live, and you are right there beside her.
As she learns to navigate, trust, and responsibly use her sexuality, she will become a powerful role model for others, and be ready to achieve her dreams. Don’t get overwhelmed, just take it one conversation, one situation at a time. The single most important thing you can do is teach her of her value, worthiness to be treated well, and power to become the woman she wants to become.
Need help navigating these talks? Check out our books, for ages 3-7, 8-11, and 12+!
Great lessons, quick and simple discussions.
Lacy is a women’s addiction recovery coach, best selling author, and mom of four teenage boys. She is also a former pornography and Hentai (pornographic anime) user, who used these sources to help her define what “desirable” and “real” womanhood looked like from the age of 13. Now, she knows better, and wants to help other women heal, while empowering parents to have the tough but necessary conversations with their daughters. For a free PDF copy of her book, email her at Lacy@HerRecoveryRoadmap.com, or sign up on her website by filling out the red box at the bottom: www.HerRecoveryRoadmap.com. Lacy also runs women’s online mentorship and recovery groups, and you can contact her about those through the email above.
