By Kaitlin Harker
Just like talking or riding a bike, emotional intelligence is something that our kids must be taught. Without help, there’s nothing keeping those kids from being stuck in their own negative thoughts. Perhaps you have heard your child say “I’ll never be good at this” or “He/she is so much better than me.” These are just two examples of negative thoughts. It can be hard as parents when our child gets down on themselves because we often see them in a different, more positive light than they see themselves. However, we need to help our children combat and process these negative thoughts.
Recognizing Negative Thoughts
Oftentimes, negative thoughts are not true. They can sometimes come when we don’t do as well on something as we had hoped or when someone says something mean to us. Negative thoughts can also be the product of depression or anxiety. With the ever-increasing amount of technology today, negative thoughts can come from social media, movies, or texts. For instance, if our daughter sees a picture of a pretty girl on Instagram and then starts comparing herself to that girl, it can quickly lead to negative thoughts. However, there are ways that we can build mental strength and emotional intelligence with the surrounding technology.
How to Make It Positive
All individuals, no matter their age, can recite positive affirmations. Positive affirmations are sayings that build one’s confidence and make it easier to combat negative thoughts. One of the biggest ways to combat negative thoughts is to teach our children how to speak kindly to themselves. Our lesson, Learning Positive Self-Talk, can help us teach and guide our children on how to have positive thoughts and speak kindly about themselves. Replacing negative thoughts through positive self-talk or making a habit of writing down positive attributes about ourselves can have immeasurable benefits for both our children and ourselves.
How to Process
- Teach your kids how to notice the negative thoughts that can end up coming to their minds as a result of media, negative talk of another, or simply something that just popped into their heads. Help them look at those thoughts and think, “Is this thought true? Are you sure it’s true?” Teaching kids how to introspect and examine their own thoughts and feelings are crucial skills to learn as they become healthy and emotionally intelligent adults. The book Captain Snout and the Super Power Questions by Daniel G. Amen is a great resource for teaching kids these skills.
Two other wonderful books that can help our children with body image are Messages About Me: Wade’s Story, A Boys Quest for Healthy Body Image, and Messages About Me: Sydney’s Story. Both of these characters go through a life journey and have to face challenges from advertisements and social media. As they face these challenges, they learn which messages to internalize and which ones to let go of. Me and My Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Understanding and Expressing Themselves by Vanessa Allen, M.Ed. is another wonderful resource to learn more about processing feelings.
To analyze more where your child’s negative thoughts have come from, you can consider and ask these questions:
- What event(s) happened to make you feel that way?
- What people were around you when you started to have negative thoughts?
- What are we going to do moving forward? Are we going to work to fix the situation (if it needs fixing) or how are we going to forgive?
Some ways to move forward are:
- Talk about your feelings
- Write down your feelings
- Go for a run or workout
- Do something that makes you happy
Ask your children these questions when they are struggling with negative thoughts. Sometimes in the moment of feeling bad, they will not want to rationalize. However, when they are ready and calm, you can ask them these questions. As you help them think through their negative thoughts, remember to be patient and guide them through it. Remember to always compliment your children and be a positive voice in their lives; a voice that is calm, patient, loving, and reasonable. Doing so will help guide your kids to grow into strong and emotionally intelligent adults.
30 Days to a Stronger Child is a wonderful resource to help our children develop positive characteristics and attributes that will help them be successful, balanced adults. Some of my favorite lessons include positive self-talk, assertiveness, empathy, gratitude, and critical thinking. For more helpful articles and resources, check out our Parenting Tips page.
Kaitlin Harker is a freelance writer and editor with a Bachelor’s degree in English from Brigham Young University Idaho. She has been married to her husband for almost two years and they are expecting their first child any day now. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, being outside, and reading mystery novels.
Citations:
Amen, D. G., & Kearney, B. (2017). Captain Snout and the Super Power Questions: Don’t Let the Ants Steal Your Happiness. Zonderkidz.
