“Are You Having Sex?”

7 Less Awkward Ways to Ask if Your Teen is Having Sex Yet

By Andy Earle

When your teen starts dating it’s hard to stop certain big questions from popping into your head … Are they having sex? Which “base” have they gotten to? Are they doing oral? Do they know about condoms?

According to research, more than 40% of high school students have had sex (Kahn, 2016). And more than half of all sexually active teens say their first experience was with an ongoing partner. So if you think your teen is in a relationship, sex is something you’re going to want to talk about sooner rather than later. Here are a few less awkward ways to ask what’s up: 

1. “Apparently less than half of the kids your age have had sex. What are you seeing at school?” Let your kids know you’re not a tyrant and that Show that you’re savvy and you know what they are up to. Then try asking what your teen’s peers are doing. This is often an easier way to get a teen talking about a sensitive topic than asking about their behavior directly. It allows your teen to answer in the third person. Later on in the conversation, your teen will hopefully start to feel comfortable talking about their own behavior. 
2. “Where is a good place and a bad place to have sex?” Try discussing good vs. bad times and places to have sex. Often, when you get 5-10 minutes into this talk it becomes obvious whether your teen is having sex or not. This conversation also allows you to talk about great topics like . When you show you can talk about this stuff in a non-judgmental way, your teen will gradually feel safer and safer talking about sex with you. This will help them start to open up about their own sex life with you too. 
3. “When do you think is the right time to start having sex?” The ideal way to get your teen to listen to you is to be a good listener yourself. Hear what your teen has to say about sex and you’ll quickly be able to get a sense of their ideas without directly having to ask. Try bringing it up during comfortable routine moments, like while doing chores together. This will help you get a better understanding of where your teen is without making them feel interrogated. Careful attention to your teen can give you a hint about what advice they might need.
4. “The first time I had sex…” If you open up about your own experiences first, you can bolster your teen’s confidence. Show them you’re not ashamed to talk about private details However, keep in mind that this conversation isn’t about you; it’s about the teen. So don’t dwell on your own sexual encounters too much. It gets awkward fast when you start painting that picture, so use it as a way to break the ice and then move on to something else or throw a question at your teen.
5. “I want to talk later about sex.” Don’t jump on a sensitive topic in a public place. And don’t try to talk about sex when your teen is tired or unfocused. Aim for a time and place in the future that you and your teen can share together. Thenabout “relationships,” or “sex”, so they can mentally prepare. Your teen might shut down if you sneak up on them and start asking about sex out of nowhere.
6. “I’m always here to help you be safe. Any time.” Remind your kids that you love them no matter what and explain your thoughts, values, and rules regarding sex. It’s usually less awkward if you start the conversation by focusing on safety and birth control rather than coming right out and asking whether your teen is having sex, with whom, and how often. Depending on your values, you might offer to buy your teen condoms or discuss other forms of birth control. Sometimes, birth control can be expensive or require an operation, so it is reassuring for your teen to know that you are on their side and want the best for them.
7. “What’s going on with your relationship?” For most teens, sex comes within a relationship that has already formed (Martinez, 2011). Therefore, try having a instead of a “sex talk.” Use this opportunity to talk about what it means to be a good partner and how to ensure both parties are satisfied. By checking in frequently about your teen’s relationships in general you’ll make sure they are comfortable talking with you about intimacy. This will make it more likely they’ll talk to you about sex when it does start to happen. 

Your teen is developing into the person they are going to be. The teenage brain craves independence but is still open to parental influence to shape their sexual journey in a positive way. It might feel embarrassing to broach the subject, but it’s very important to discuss sex in any parent-teen relationship. Stay open. Stay confident. Stay prepared. Good luck.  

For more information on what to talk about, simple discussions and definitions regarding sexuality education, check out our books 30 Days of Sex Talks, Empowering Your Child with Knowledge of Sexual Intimacy (available for 3 age groups: 3-7, 8-11, and 12+). Available on Amazon.

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

Citations:

Kann, L. (2016). Youth risk behavior surveillance—United States, 2015. MMWR Surveill Summ, 63(4). Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/data/yrbs/pdf/2015/ss6506_updated.pdf

Martinez, G., Copen, C. E., & Abma, J. C. (2011). Teenagers in the United States: Sexual activity, contraceptive use, and childbearing, 2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Statistics, 23(31). Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_031.pdf