Kristy Dillender-Hoyt
That time of year has come around again! No, not one of the numerous gift giving holidays, but the time of year when people repeatedly scratch out the date to write the correct year. But, more recognizably it’s the time of year when people look at their lives and prioritize what is important to them. I’m hoping our families are high on that list! Making family time a high priority can be hard to set in goals when usually our family goals can be pretty lofty and/or vague ideals with title such as “have the happiest year our family has ever seen” or “an extremely connected family”. With all jokes aside those are actually great goals for a family to have but how can a statement such as those become reality and measureable. It comes back to priority. Is my family my first priority? How can I measure the strength of our bond?
If we look at families as being the people we love or have some type of a deep connection to, then we can prioritize deepening that bond or resolve to mend broken connections. Strengthening families can be measured out in goals. These goals can be centered on building an emotional connection through two things, validation and scheduled time spent together.
- Validation is a form of reflective listening and understanding without having to agree. Validation helps families bond by combating the separation of different viewpoints by unifying the connection of understanding and recognizing each other’s feelings.
- Example: The parent/child feud. Teenagers want what they want and parents try to exert their inherent parental protective urges. The real life or cinematic scene plays out with the child coming home angry and upset, and throwing his backpack against the living room wall. The parents yells out, “That’s not how we act in this house!” and then the war of words begins, which usually ends in, “you just don’t understand me Mom!”
- Goal: Strengthen familial bonds by listening and understanding, and hoping to be treated likewise. First, help kids calm emotions down through compassionate understanding, or in other words, validation, validation that his feelings are recognized. “You look really upset. What happened at school today?” The talk about appropriate behavior can come later when he is calmed down and will actually listen to the redirection, but for the moment, an emotional connection is made and a habit of turning toward each other during a personal upset is solidified. Second, research and read more about validations. Set a goal to read one some type of literature about this subject once a week. Third, practice, practice, practice.
- Family time comes down to one thing, connection. Family connection happens when each member is present in the situation in which he or she finds him or herself.
- Example: Designated family times. When families establish routinely scheduled mealtimes, meetings or family fun-nights, this creates consistency in availability and sibling bonding because these events have priority since they happen no matter what mood someone may be in that night.
- Goal: Establish family times as part of your routine! Mealtime should be a time for conversation, laughter, riddles and games (21 questions or I spy). Contrary to popular belief, mealtime is not a time for life lessons or discipline. Family meetings are a time for discussing each other’s upcoming events, going over chores, upcoming trips and so forth. Family meetings teach children that they can be heard and parents can express their love and concern. Family fun-nights are a great time to interact with each other in fun activities without our ever so precious electronic devices. Also, deciding which activity to do is a great topic for family meetings giving everyone in the group each week a turn to decide.
This really is a beautiful time of year to reflect on what has passed and to look forward to making a better tomorrow and next year. To reflect on the past year really is useful to see what has worked and what needs help, especially when we look at our ties with our families. What can be measured in our family centered goals is the time we take to make an emotional connection with loved ones, no matter if it is saying, “That really does stink that your friend won’t sit with you at lunch!” before making your son pick up his backpack or staying committed to Wednesday night bowling with Dad. One thing is for sure– it doesn’t matter where your family has been– because it’s not nearly as important and where things are going.
See our book to find lessons related to this topic and learn ways and activities to help your child be stronger!
Available in Kindle or Paperback.Kristy Dillender-Hoyt grew up in the bay area, where she lived in the fog until she spent high school and college in rainy Oregon. Most of her time in Oregon she worked with children and youth in schools and youth programs. She graduated from Oregon State University with a degree in Spanish and is currently working on a Masters of Education. She finally lives in the sunny part of California with her blended family, consisting of a busy toddler, a silly baby and two teenaged step kids who won’t stop growing up.
