By Spencer Loyd
Recently, I was speaking to a friend who has a twelve-year-old son. He told me of an experience he had where he walked in on his wife and son speaking about puberty. He overheard his son asking his mother about some of the more intimate details of puberty. My friend told me that he felt “awkward” and quickly tried to get out of the conversation and the room.
You may feel the same way as my friend. Talking to our kids about puberty can be awkward! But it doesn’t have to be! Tackling tough topics with your kids shows them that they can talk to you about cringy subjects without you freaking out. And talking about puberty can often lead to more meaningful discussions like relationships and healthy intimacy. To help parents feel more comfortable in their approach to teaching their children about puberty, here are a few tips:
- If you feel awkward, your kids probably will too. Developing a sense of comfort while speaking about puberty is more of a skill than it sounds. It takes practice. Learn how to speak openly to your kids about their bodies and changes they see from a young age. If your kids know they have a penis or vagina at the age of two or three, and that they can talk to you about it, as they get older it may be easier for a conversation about puberty to take place.
In addition, if you are a parent that does not understand puberty, or would like a refresher course, do research. The more you know about puberty, the more you may feel comfortable discussing it. A great resource is our book , which has a section dedicated to puberty and has several other helpful, short lessons on anatomy, healthy relationships, sexual identification, and more. There are also a plethora of websites and other resources dedicated to teaching others about puberty.
- Don’t overload your children. You are more likely to make an impact on your kids using brief, frequent conversations about puberty instead of one lengthy lecture. Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D. teaches, “When parents go on and on, kids tune them out”. Parents are often known for giving “the talk” to their kids. However, if we want “the talk” about puberty to actually mean something, we should make it “the talks.”
You may also find it useful to have a small plan of what you would like to talk about. This will help you feel prepared and keep the discussion to a few important talking points.
- Timing is everything. Dr. John T. Chirban states, “Appropriate boundaries are crossed by giving too much information. When too much information is given, we push our children into a level of sexual understanding for which they’re just not ready” (2012, p. 91). Most parents want their children to have all the information they need to succeed in every aspect of their lives. However, it is important to teach to your child’s ability to understand. Just like parents do not expect their children to have a college education at age ten, we should not expect a five-year-old to understand puberty in its entirety. It takes short conversations over a long period of time to help our children fully understand puberty.
- Start simply. There are some aspects of puberty that may be easier to bring up than others. It is a good idea to casually bring up things like hygiene, teaching kids to use deodorant and bathing regularly. By doing this, parents give themselves an opportunity to open conversations about puberty. For instance, if you just explained to your ten-year-old boy how important it is to use deodorant, this might be an opportunity to explain that his body is starting to change and he may even notice things like hair growing under his arms and pubic area. These short explanations can lead to future conversations about different, more complicated aspects of puberty.
Puberty can be a delicate topic for many parents but it doesn’t have to be difficult. Following these tips can help a parent build confidence.
It might be helpful to start with a handbook like , which includes three separate volumes written for different age levels: Ages 3-7, 8-11, and 12+.
Just remember “Don’t Freak Out!” It may feel a little awkward at first, but practice makes perfect. I have found great success in these tips with my kids, and know that you can too!
Great lessons, quick and simple discussions.There are affiliate links in the blog post. When you use them to make purchases, we thank you for supporting Educate and Empower Kids!
Spencer Loyd is the father of four amazing children under the age of 10. He attended Brigham Young University-Idaho and studied Marriage and Family Studies, and currently works as a substance abuse counselor at a correctional facility. Spencer has a passion for music, especially creating his own with his family and binge watching scary movies with his brothers. He also enjoys helping others succeed and seeing the joy this brings.
Citations:
Chirban, J. T., & Andrews, A. (2012). How to talk with your kids about sex. Retrieved November 3, 2017, from https://books.google.com/books
Greenberg, M. (2012, September 18). Worst Mistakes Parents Make When Talking to Kids. Retrieved November 03, 2017, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201209/worst-mistakes-parents-make-when-talking-kids
