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By Dina Alexander, MS
As parents, we usually spend more time condemning our own bad decisions than celebrating all the great things we do for our kids. However, we need to reflect on the helpful, intelligent things we do and share these with other parents. It’s a great way for us to learn from each other. Here are the 10 smartest things I’ve done as a parent.
1. Decided to Be a Full-time Mom.
I know not everyone can do this, but if you can, you should! It is THE best decision I have ever made besides deciding to marry my wonderful husband. Our kids need us, more than any of us realize, and way more than they will admit. From their first steps, to coming home from their first day of school, to telling you about the woes of middle school —being there for those important moments is critical. The more presence, both physical and emotional, a mother has —particularly during a child’s first three years— the greater the chances that the child will grow up emotionally healthy and secure (Komisar, 2017).
I am going to say something “mean” now. Please don’t have kids if you are just going to put them in daycare when they are infants and then put them in after-school care while you and your partner work full-time. Seeing your kids for only a couple hours a night is not enough. This is not raising kids! This is simply housing them (Schlessinger,.n.d.). Children need you and NO ONE can love and care for them as much as you.
2. Researched Kid/Teen Phone Use, Social Media, Internet Safety, and Porn
When I began this journey, I certainly didn’t think I would start an organization and end up writing over a dozen books. But thank goodness I did! There is no sure-fire way to prepare to be a parent in this digital age, but starting and continuing my research has helped me and my family in ways I cannot even begin to express. Not only did it make me a smarter, wiser mom, it helped me for very real dangers. As you of kids’ smartphone and social media use, don’t let the information just scare you. Look for solutions and teach other parents what you learn!
3. Got Myself Physically Fit
After having my third child, I weighed over 250 lbs. In my late 20’s, I battled depression and used food for everything: coping with sadness, celebrating, rewarding myself, occupying myself when bored, etc. Finally, I had enough, and with the proper motivation and some help from loved ones, I got going. It was so great to have more energy, keep up with my kids, lessen my physical aches and pains. On top of that, I felt good about my eating habits and work out routine. It was also wonderful to be an example of healthy eating habits and proper exercise to my kids.
4. Lived Within Our Means and Required Our Kids to Earn Things
For the first 12 years of our marriage, my husband and I were poor. I remember that feeling of being “strapped,” which made every other problem seem bigger. Certain arguments between us seemed way more frustrating because we had the continual cloud of semi-poverty hanging over our heads.
Through those years of financial hardship, we managed to never acquire credit card debt (yes, we did have medical school debt though) and lived as frugally as possible. We didn’t realize the favor we were doing ourselves until we saw what financial mismanagement was doing to some of our friends’ marriages and to their children. Whether you talk about it openly or not, your kids know when you are stressed, and it can be damaging.
Earning Things: When our adorable kids look up at us with their big, sweet eyes and ask us for certain treats or gifts, it can be difficult to say “no.” But we need to say “no” more often. Allowing our kids to work for something is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. There is nothing quite like knowing you earned something and you accomplished something that perhaps you didn’t know you could do. I wish I had done more of this. Just because you can afford something doesn’t mean you should get it or give it to your kids without them earning it in some way.
5. Taught My Kids that They Won’t “Need” Me as Adults
As my kids leave the nest and go to college, or on a mission for our church, I am particularly proud of how well they function on their own. They still have hard times, but they are prepared for challenges, they know they can figure things out, and they don’t need to come home to their mommy and live in our basement.
How was this accomplished? We taught them real life skills, like getting along with others, picking yourself up when you fall, financial planning and investing, where to find truth, and how to get help in the community when you just can’t do something all on your own. We often tried to let them figure things out while they lived with us, and we have not attempted to solve their problems now that they are out of the house.
Part of teaching my kids that they don’t “need” me when they are adults includes not paying for their cell phones, cars, car insurance, or their living expenses after they graduate from high school. They need to live within a budget. If we are always kicking in money when they overspend or choose to live in an expensive apartment, they won’t learn to be completely independent and be able to “own” their successes. (As a personal choice, we do pay for our kids’ college tuition, but everything else is up to them.)
I love that when they finish college, their missions, or whatever they choose to do, they will know that they did this almost entirely on their own. They can feel proud of themselves and know their success belongs to them!
6. Used Boredom as a Punishment
My kids have angered me off on countless occasions, and I’ve been tempted at various times to go overboard on discipline. But this is not only unnecessary, it is guilt-inducing. Having a child sit in a time-out chair or on the stairs while the rest of the family or friends continue to enjoy themselves, (for most children) is one of the greatest punishments of all time. It is not only highly effective to get a child to stop a certain behavior, there is almost no guilt involved.
7. Apologized to My Kids
I’ve made lots of mistakes and I’ve always wanted my kids to understand how important it is to own up to our blunders and to know that we can forgive each other of those missteps. Leading by example has been the best way for me to teach this to my children. I’ve apologized for raising my voice, getting angry before I had all the information, overreacting, accidentally embarrassing them, and more.
8. Did Arts and Crafts with Them
Although I don’t consider myself to be a creative person, I love using crafting as an emotional outlet. Over the years, I have learned to sew, quilt, and do all kinds of small DIY projects. This has also been one of my favorite ways to spend time with my kids! From the time they were big enough to hold a pencil or paint brush, I’ve encouraged arts and crafts.At home, we had a little craft room where my kids and I could work together. This was not only a great bonding experience and outlet, it prepared them for more advanced art classes.
9. Read to Them Like Crazy
I love reading, and I always wanted my kids to find that love of reading too. This all began when each child was less than a year old and has consistently been my favorite parent-child activity. It’s always been the one activity that I said “yes” to even when I was exhausted and felt like I had nothing left to give. Having plenty of books available for my children has also been really helpful. I bought them to library sales, thrift stores, and took them to the library whenever I could. As they got older I learned that it didn’t matter if they were reading silly books like Captain Underpants or comic books. It just mattered that they were reading. Each of my kids developed a love of reading and have been very successful students. When all three were still at home, nothing warmed my heart like kissing them goodnight and then seeing them reading in bed.
10. Taught Them about God and Took Them to Church
You might balk at this if you don’t care for organized religion; however, taking my kids to church has been one of the best ways to reinforce various ethics and morals that are disappearing from our culture. So many important life lessons are going by the wayside these days because all of us are living in a state of constant hurry and busyness. It has been a major blessing for my kids to hear other voices –besides Mom and Dad– teaching them about charity, honesty, patience, sacredness, meditation, hard work, self-respect, empathy, the power to change, and so much more.
These smart moves didn’t make the Top 10, but are things I hope you will consider when raising your little darlings.
- Teaching them how to clean house, do dishes, and wash and fold laundry –not only did this help me out, it taught them valuable skills for adulthood.
- Not allowing sleepovers –I have lost count of how many parents have told me that sleepovers are when their child first had alcohol or drugs, was exposed to porn, or sexually abused. Sleepovers are simply not worth it!
- Traveling with them. Seeing new places, learning about new cultures, taking beautiful hikes, trying new foods, and going on road trips together has given my family so many amazing memories.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes as a mom, but I’ve also made some pretty smart choices too. I know that these good choices have helped my kids become stronger, wiser, and better human beings. If you’d like some great discussions and activities to do with your kids that will help them develop initiative, critical thinking, empathy, and optimism, check out our books 30 Days to a Stronger Child and Conversations with My Kids: 30 Essential Family Discussions for the Digital Age.
Citations:
Komisar, E. (2017). Being there: Why prioritizing motherhood in the first three years matters. TarcherPerigee.
Schlessinger , L. (n.d.). Heard daily on SiriusXM Triumph 111 & The Call Of The Day Podcast: Stay-at-home mom. The Dr. Laura Program. Retrieved March 8, 2022, from https://www.drlaura.com/tag/stay-at-home-mom
Dina Alexander is the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids (educateempowerkids.org), an organization determined to strengthen families by teaching digital citizenship, media literacy, and healthy sexuality education—including education about the dangers of online porn. She is the creator of Noah’s New Phone: A Story About Using Technology for Good, Petra’s Power to See: A Media Literacy Adventure, How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. She received her master’s degree in recreation therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelors from Brigham Young University. She tries to be a great mom and loves spending time with her husband and three kids. Together, they live in New Mexico.
