By Andy Earle
When you have a teenager, it’s really easy to keep putting off “the talk” until next weekend. You hope that it will magically become less embarrassing if you ignore it for 9 more days. And then 6 more days. And then 12 more. Sadly, it won’t. In fact, from a teenager’s perspective, it can get increasingly more awkward when you seem to be avoiding an issue like this.
If you need help starting the talk, fear not! We’ve got you covered. Here are some tips aimed at parents with older teenagers. (Please note that the topics in this article might not be appropriate for younger children.)
How to Prepare
- Set the Stage. The first step in slaying this beast is to set aside some time for the first conversation. You don’t want to catch your teen off-guard and activate their fight-or-flight response. Let your teen know that you want to talk to them about something important. Personally, I recommend you reveal it’s about sex in advance to be totally upfront.
- Do Your Research. The sex culture has changed since you were a teenager. No matter how well-versed you think you might be, to understand what today’s teenagers are facing. Use statistics and data to reinforce your points and enlighten both yourself and your teen about the truth and risks of teen sex. Most teenagers receive some form of sex education in school, but you’ll want to select a few topics that are specifically important to you and become an “expert.” Learn everything you can. Parenting podcasts are a great place to start. (For example, check out “Sex Talks Made Easy” with Dina Alexander on Media Savvy Moms.)
- Start Small and Practice Makes Perfect. There’s no need to jump right into a conversation about anal sex with your teen out of the blue. It’s perfectly fine to start things slow. Start with the easy stuff like double standards in our culture: Why is it that the norms are so different for men and women? What does your teen think about this?
Remember, this isn’t going to be a one-time conversation. You’ll need to engage with your teen about sex on a consistent basis. So easing into it is totally fine. By getting some “reps” in with these more PG topics, you’ll gain confidence talking about the tougher stuff down the road. And, yes, you do NEED to talk about the tough stuff. That means topics like consent, sex under the influence of drugs, emotional intimacy, sexual identification, and emotional aspects of sex should all be a part of your sex-talk “roadmap.” Don’t neglect these critical topics just because you had a couple of chats about cultural norms and what constitutes an abusive relationship.
Game Time
- Set Expectations. , let your teen know how things are going to play out. They will be silently relieved to see you are in complete control. Remind your teen upfront you’re going to go through all the details, not because you think they’re naïve, but because it’s your job as a parent to make sure all the bases are covered. Be clear that you want to talk in detail about different sexual acts, your own experiences, and how to be in a great romantic relationship.
- Get the Tone Right. Remember, you don’t want to be condescending or talk over their heads. Avoid an overly serious tone and try not to make the conversation too one-sided either. Use comedy if it helps you connect, or go with a more serious tone if it suits you better. Keep everything slow and provide ample time for feedback and questions at every stage. The perfect tone is authoritative and confident, yet humble and caring.
- Correct Misinformation. Even if you have strict parental controls on your teenager’s iPhone, they are still likely viewing misinformation nearly every day. Virtually ALL teens have been exposed to porn, and have internalized false and unhealthy messages about sex. It’s important that you do some research so you can be informed about the kinds of acts portrayed in pornographic videos and can correct your teen’s false presumptions about sex. Adopt the attitude that you are always open to changing your mind if you come across better information. Encourage your teen to question the things you say. This earns you the right to question your teen’s beliefs as well.
What Next? Don’t let this be a one-time conversation! Check-in with your teen regularly to make sure they are forming healthy habits. You will never be in the room when sex happens, so the best you can do is to bring it up over and over until you can both talk about it comfortably.
For more information on what to talk about, simple discussions and definitions regarding sexuality education, check out our books 30 Days of Sex Talks, Empowering Your Child with Knowledge of Sexual Intimacy (available for 3 age groups: 3-7, 8-11, and 12+). Available on Amazon.
Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.
