By Shawn Tucker
Messed up kids can be easier to deal with; here’s how to mess them up!
So people talk a lot on this site about teaching children so that they can be successful in all aspects of their lives. But let’s face it—successful children can be a pain. Successful children grow up and become independent adults. They leave home and set up healthy relationships with others that diminish their dependence upon you. Oh, and worst of all, besides leaving you, they might even outdo you, setting up successful lives and loving homes that are better than what you’ve done. This stinks because it can make you feel really bad about yourself. No fear—here are 4 steps so easy that even you can follow them to make sure your children always need you and are never more successful than you. I’ll say this right now: you’re welcome!
- Make physical affection weird, awkward, and (hopefully) shameful. Kids who properly understand and use, in a healthy way, intimate emotional and physical expression are right on the path to success that you want to avoid. Don’t let that happen! First, never engage in shows of physical or emotional affection. Always treat physical affection like it is so private (or better, “sacred”!), that children never see it, talk about it, or view it as normal. Make it clear for kids that every movie, television show, book, or song is “inappropriate” if there is any physical affection whatsoever. Keep children so in the dark and confused about it that they are too fearful to ever be affectionate. You have to see that you’ll have them living at home forever for sure if you can keep affection bizarre and creepy.
- Undermine their sense of self-worth. Children who feel worthy of connection with others will seek just that—solid, healthy connections with others. That, of course, could mean you taking a back seat to friends, roommates, or even spouses. To prevent that, use a quiet, steady stream of words and actions that make self-confidence impossible. One way to do this is by constantly demanding more, preferably perfection, while discrediting anything the child has done. For example, if little Sally makes the soccer team, ask why she was afraid she would not make the team or if she thinks she will actually play or if she believes she’s better than other girls who play her same position on the team. If Billy gets a good grade, ask him why he could not have done this earlier and tell him you expect the same from now on. Comments like these will pull the self-confidence rug right out from underneath them!
- Make them uncomfortable with their bodies. This might not seem like a big deal, but trust me, having a messed up view of their bodies can keep them tied to you and prevent a lot of success they otherwise might have. This is easily done by pointing out flaws in weight, height, hair, teeth, or any other physical feature. Even if they don’t have flaws, just harping on something can change it like a fun house mirror into something peculiar and shame-inducing. Finally, constantly commenting on the bodies of others by saying things like, “that actress is not nearly as good since she gained those pounds” keeps up the steady stream of discouraging messages.
- Give them hours of unsupervised internet access. This step is too often overlooked by parents who want dependent, frightened, and thoroughly messed up children. The internet can be just the sort of rank cesspool that can really harm an otherwise healthy soul. And it is not just the pornography and violent gaming which is sure to lure them in. Children watching something relatively innocent can suddenly read comments that feature negativity, abuse, and unhealthy attitudes that you could not even dream up. Let those trolls do your work for you! Filters, discussions about internet use, being on the internet with children, and really training them to use the internet will only prevent this powerful tool from truly destroying any healthy intimacy, self-worth, healthy body image, or even self-esteem that threaten to make them strong, independent adults.
But fear not. Following the above advice will keep them afraid of intimacy, frightened of their bodies and of others, constantly anxious about their bodies, and in such a state of panic that the only person that they will ever want to be around and the only person they will fruitlessly ever try to please will be you. I’ll say this one more time: you’re welcome!
Curious to learn more? Check out our books, ; How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography, which is also available in ; and .
Need Help with Tough Topics? We got you covered!Shawn Tucker is a Professor and Father of 4.
