By Amanda Grossman-Scott
One of the hardest things for a parent to see is a child struggling with self-confidence. Harder still is seeing that child lack confidence when you have never felt quite sure of yourself. I wanted to ensure that my child felt good about him or herself. But how? The best way to teach is by example. But we can’t truly teach them to love themselves until we first love ourselves. Who knew we’d have so much work to do on ourselves before we could help our kids?
Overcoming Outside Influences
Even if you say and do everything positively in your home, there are still major influences like the media, friends and even well-meaning relatives that you’ll have to address and often avoid. Girls in particular are faced with a constant barrage of body and “beauty” images. Perhaps the saddest part of the body-shaming epidemic is the myth that there is only one standard of beauty–an unattainable way to be beautiful! Another problem with this is the belief that physical beauty is the most important aspect of a person overall. How many of us believe that if we could “just be a little thinner, prettier…have better skin, hair…” we’d be happier? What a sad, misleading and dangerous belief; because we won’t truly be happy until with we’re happy with what’s inside.
The Mirror and the Scale Do Not Determine Beauty or Worth
At one time I gained quite a bit of weight. I had moved to a new place and I lost all self-confidence. I hated leaving the house. I genuinely thought no one would want to be my friend because of my weight, as if I had no other redeeming qualities. As if there was nothing more to me than a number on a scale.
It took time, positive self talk and support from family to help me understand that regardless of my weight I was still a beautiful person, worth knowing. I wasn’t capable of losing weight at that point but I gradually began to love myself. To treat myself as someone who is worthy of getting dressed for, of sharing ideas with. I have a fun, charming personality and I learned to put more stock in that than in looking like a model. I learned that my self-worth was in my brain and my ability to make a difference in the lives of others more than in what size I am wearing.
How You Look on the Outside Shouldn’t Change How You Feel on the Inside
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am very self-confident. They’ll tell you that I take pride in my appearance. This is true. It was true when I was large and it’s true now that I am smaller. Which should tell you something important: I am the same person on the inside, whether I am big or not. I love myself, I think I’m cute and worth knowing because I’m a fun-loving, caring human being. I take pride in who I am.
Of course there are things I could improve upon, but I’m a work in progress and in the meantime I choose to be happy with myself. I don’t hate my body the way so many women and girls do. So many people look in the mirror everyday and hate what they see. They dissect their bodies, barely finding a handful of redeeming qualities and then go about their days dissatisfied. What a sad way to live. I never want my daughter (or sons) to feel this way!
Celebrate Your Real Accomplishments
I heard someone say once that being pretty isn’t any accomplishment; not something anyone achieves, therefore it’s not necessarily something to be proud of. Some of the most “beautiful” people I know are also some of the most unhappy people I know. I remind my daughter everyday to be “lovely”. Lovely for us means being kind, generous and helpful. I stress to her that this is what makes a person beautiful. I carry my happiness inside me and I love myself for who I am and what I can accomplish. That’s what makes me beautiful and confident.
“Beauty” Tips for Loving Yourself
Learn these and your children will inevitable learn them as well.
- Accept compliments with a simple “thank you”; nothing more.
- Don’t spend time critiquing yourself in front of the mirror.
- Give sincere compliments to others.
- Don’t let those around you tear themselves down (especially in front of children!). Have a zero tolerance policy for body shaming, fat shaming or ugly shaming of oneself or others.
- Find your worth in what you do, what you can accomplish and who you are, not what you look like.
- Love your body for what it can do, because no matter who you are or what you look like, your body does amazing things.
- Carry yourself with confidence. Know that you are a person of worth and value and have something to contribute. Those around you are lucky to know you.
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