Questions with Answers

Sometimes the best starting point is to ask the child how they describe love, how love makes him/her feel, and ways that they observe love being expressed at home (i.e., hugs, words, etc.). With this shared understanding of love, then discussions can take place where parents can ask, “Do the words in that song describe the love that you have described?” Build off what your child feels and understand as you begin to discuss how love should play a crucial role in sex.

Young children can already have a natural sense of healthy love. Thus, building on what they feel and know is important. However, in addition to an understanding of healthy love, early and late adolescents are experiencing first hand the disharmony between the “love” portrayed in the media and the love they may have felt and experienced in the home. Be willing to discuss the disharmony and help him/her in maintaining a commitment to healthy love when just opposite is portrayed in the media. Feel free to use examples in media to discuss their sometimes false and sometimes harmful messages. (Some of these false messages may include: falling in love at first sight, that teens are emotionally mature enough to have great sex, that sex is selfish and all about pleasing oneself, that love doesn’t take much effort, etc.)t Contrast these messages to reality. When your kids are old enough to understand, explain that the best sex is between committed adults who love and care for each other. Explain that sex is positive and wonderful. And above all let your kids know that love and intimacy are special and require work, effort, and thinking of another person above yourself. 

For more great ideas on what to talk about, simple discussion questions, and definitions regarding family sexual ed., check out: 

8 Ways to Start Talking to Your Child About Sex

Don’t have “The Sex Talk” with your Child- Have Many!

Or Check out our super helpful guides, 30 Days of Sex Talks: Empowering Your Child with a Knowledge of Sexual Intimacy for ages 3-7, 8-11, and 12+

Talking about pornography can be a very difficult thing, especially when there is a someone in the family who struggles with a possible porn addiction. The best way to approach discussions about porn with your children is to address the facts without pointing fingers. Teach your children that curiosity is normal, but pornography is not. Teach them what porn is, where is exists, how to avoid it, and what they should do if they come across it. Help them understand the dangers of pornography and why it should be avoided. It is also important to let them know that you love them and that they can come to you for any reason. All of these topics can be discussed without mentioning their father. If by chance, your child does ask about dad, simply remind them that everyone makes their own choices, even if those choices are not healthy. The most important thing to remember is, you cannot change the past, it is better to work towards a better future.

For more ideas on talking with your kids about pornography checkout our book How To Talk To Your Kids About Pornography. We also offer a variety of resources including our R.U.N plan, lessons, and ideas on discussing porn.

There are so many great traditions we can establish to help keep us connected and make great memories during the holidays!

1. Do a service activity as a family. You can use websites like just serve.org, volunteermatch.org, or allforgood.org to find local opportunities to work in a shelter, soup kitchen, school, etc. Seeing the needs of others is very helpful to kids (and adults) in building empathy and gratitude.

2. Make something together and give what you make to someone in need. This “need” can be social, physical, or emotional. Everyone needs friends and kind gestures in their lives. Whether your family likes to cook, craft, garden, build, write poetry, or take photos, create something together. Working together on a creative project can be cathartic (or not), relaxing, bonding, and fun.

3. Challenge your family members to find someone at school, neighborhood, church, or community to a good deed for them. This is something we can and should do all year, but there is something special about this time of year that softens our hearts and allows us to be a little kinder and little gentler toward others. Use sticky notes on the fridge, bathroom mirror, or other locations to remind your kids to look for a need and ACT.

4. Make a goal to post only positive, kind, and complimentary things on social media for one week. Changing our mindset with what we post on online can create so many ripples of good, not only in our lives, but in every life around us. Encourage your kids to send compliments to friends and family member through text and email too!

5. Simplify your routine. This can be such a gift to your family during the holidays. Choose a couple of simple ways to serve others and then focus your time on being present and intentional in the lives of your kids. They will appreciate it and remember the Christmas that Mom was a little calmer and a little more focused on them.

For more  and activities that help connect you to your kids, check out 30 Days to a Stronger Child. The book includes great questions, lessons and challenges to help your kids learn to fill their emotional, intellectual, social, physical and spiritual “accounts.” Some of the topics include: respect, accountability, positive self-talk, empathy, addiction, gratitude, critical thinking, and many more–30 lessons in all.

Looking for a great gift this holiday season? Check out our new children’s books: Messages About Me: A Journey to Healthy Body Image (for boys and girls).

AND

Noah’s New Phone: A Story About Using Technology for Good available on Amazon.

 

It is understandable that your initial reaction may be to get angry, but bullying expert Joel Haber, Phd., says parents need to” keep their cool.”  If you want to get to the root of what is going on with your daughter you need to have an open honest discussion, and losing your temper will not facilitate that type of conversation.  Haber goes on in the article What to Do When Your Child Is a Bully to recommend that parents ask their child to tell, them in their own words what happened and what their role in the incident was. If you feel like your child is not being honest with you, the following are signs that your child may be cyberbullying someone.

• quickly switches screens or hides their device
• uses their device(s) at all hours of the night
• gets unusually upset if they can’t use device(s)
• avoids discussions about what they are doing online
• seems to be using multiple online accounts, or an account that is not their own

In general, if you feel like your daughter’s behavior is inconsistent with her usual behavior when using any electronic devices, then as a parent you need to try and figure out why.

The following are more articles that you might find helpful while navigating this issue with your daughter:

What To Do When Your Child Cyber Bullies Others: Top Ten Tips for Parents

The Most Dangerous Apps of 2018 can help parents to be aware of apps where cyberbullying might occurring.

Digital Citizenship Into Our Homes

Giving a Voice to Bullying Victims

A Lesson About Using Technology for Good

This is becoming more and more common on social media these days. Many teens buy into the idea that posting sexy photos of themselves is empowering, especially for women. This so-called empowerment based on looks and turning guys on is short-lived. We want our kids to be empowered by their actions: working hard, being intelligent, showing compassion, and being a good example. That is what real empowerment is.

As a teenager, it’s hard to see why posting pictures that are more revealing can be negative. It’s not a good idea to start off with punishment. Maybe she honestly didn’t believe it was wrong because she saw her friends doing it. She’s most likely just following the crowd. I would start with a conversation about your views on it.

• Discuss with her why it’s unhealthy to post revealing photos: Talk about future employers, potential mates, and others who will see her photos and the sexual nature of them.
• Explain what true empowerment looks like and acts like.
• Discuss what her photos are saying about her to the world.
• Don’t shame her and don’t make her feel like she’s being trashy, just let her know why it’s a concern to you.

If she sees that you are doing this out of a place of love, she is more likely to listen. If she doesn’t listen after multiple discussions and it is something that really bothers you, have another discussion with her about possible consequences of putting up those inappropriate photos. Be careful because it is possible for her to make a finsta or spam account (fake Instagram account). The best way to go about this is to have a real conversation and express love for her.

For amazing discussions and activities that help connect you to your kids, check out 30 Days to a Stronger Child. The book includes great questions, lessons and challenges to help your kids learn to fill their emotional, intellectual, social, physical and spiritual “accounts.” Some of the topics include: respect, accountability, positive self-talk, empathy, addiction, gratitude, critical thinking, and many more–30 lessons in all.

 

There are so many great uses for technology! And it is unfortunate that we often get bogged down just worrying about safety and the many negative effects of technology (At least I do!).

We can start teaching our kids to use technology for good by setting an example ourselves of using tech for good. We can all benefit from looking through our social media feed from the past few weeks and really scrutinize what was really useful, kind, helpful, or uplifting about our posts.

If your kids have phones start a tradition with them using their phones. Maybe it’s a text at the beginning of the day that has an inspiring quote, a note of encouragement, or just a note saying, “I love you.” Show your kids how powerful and wonderful positive texting can be. Encourage them to be thoughtful when they text with friends and family.

Another great way to start teaching our kids to use tech for good is to talk about how far we come with technology and to discuss ways they think technology can continue evolving to improve people’s lives. Help them to start dreaming of a world where tech can help improve relationships, and a majority of it is used to serve and lift others.

Here is an article with 10 more great suggestions to use tech for good.

For a great story with engaging discussion questions, check out Noah’s New Phone: A Story About Using Technology for Good. This is a great book for kids ages 6-12 to begin talking about digital citizenship, bullying, friendship, and more!

If you suspect your child is being cyber-bullied, then reporting it to the authorities is always preferable. But there is so much we can also do as parents.

First and foremost, make sure you have an open dialogue with your child. Unlike traditional bullying, which can be left at school, cyberbullying never stops. Social media is always on, which means the child finds no relief. Your son will need a safe place, and he will need a voice of reason to help combat what is happening to him. Even if you feel like you aren’t making an impact, be there for your son. Listen to him, and do your best to comfort him.

What you can do as a parent:

• Create a safe environment for your child to open up to you. Tell them you’ve noticed some changes in their behavior and personality and that you are worried they are being bullied at school or online.  Let them know this is not their fault and assure them there is nothing wrong with them.
• Make a commitment to help resolve the issue; let them know you are on their side and you will help them through this.
• Discuss the bullying incidents in detail with school personnel. Your goal is to see that your child feels safe at school.  Then follow up with the school to ensure the bullying has been resolved.
• Encourage your child to stick with a friend at school and foster opportunities for socializing with friends outside of school.

Be sure to watch for warning signs regarding depression and suicide. Unfortunately, it is very common for cyberbullying to escalate to a point that children become hopeless and despondent. Every day, new headlines seem to spring up regarding social-media-related suicide. The danger is real, and as parents we need to take it seriously. Read our article on Suicide Prevention for tips. And if you suspect your child is showing danger signs, get help immediately.

If you suspect your child it in real danger, and the school administration is not responding to your requests for help, try contacting the school counselors, the school police officer (if you have one), or a professional counselor if you have to.

For more tips and information about bullying, check out our article, Giving a Voice to Bullying Victims. You can also watch our founder interviewed on Fox News about Bullying on Social Media here: https://youtu.be/1IODAwA3-Tg.

 

It is normal to be nervous about talking to children about sex. But for a survivor of sexual abuse, it is even more complicated. Some of us at Educate & Empower Kids are survivors too, and even though each of us has a different experience, we know this is not easy. But hang in there! You have made it through hard things, and you can do this!

It might be tempting to hand off the responsibility of the “sex talk” to someone else. But consider what a gift you are giving your daughter if you do this yourself. In the end it will be worth the discomfort and sacrifice on your part because you are giving her something you never had: an understanding of healthy intimacy. You will be giving her a window into something beautiful and wholesome and real. This was something that was stolen from you, but you have the power to bestow it upon your sweet little girl. Look at it as an opportunity for empowerment and healing as you turn your back on the trauma you have left behind.

In the long run, you will want to be your child’s first and most reliable source regarding sex. Right? You want her to come to you when she has questions–not the internet or friends on the playground. Read this blog post from a mom who get it!

Once you have decided to move forward, be sure to deal with your own emotions first, and try as best as you can to separate them from your conversation with your daughter. It’s normal for a survivor of sexual abuse to feel fear and anxiety when it comes to sex. But try to remember that your daughter is a clean slate, and she shouldn’t have to carry the burdens that you do. Talk to a counselor, friend, or spouse about your own anxieties first. Purge your negative feelings there–in a safe place. After that, you will be more free to have a discussion with your daughter that focuses on her, rather than dwelling on your own discomfort.

Rest assured that you are not alone! You have great resources at your fingertips to study and draw from as you talk to your daughter about sex. Educate & Empower Kids can definitely help with that!  We’re always adding new resources on this topic. Here are just a few to start with:

VIDEOS
What is Sex?

A Tale of Two Sex Talks

When should parents start talking to their children about sex?

ARTICLES
“The Talk(s):” Start Off Easy

5 Basic Tips for Talking to Your Child About Sex
15 Things I Want My Son To Know About Love And Sex
15 Things I Want My Daughter To Know About Love and Sex

Is the Media Teaching Your Child About Sex …. Or Are You?

BOOKS

30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 3-7 

30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 8-11
30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+

 

When considering handing a child a digital device, it makes more sense to think about what we are handing them, instead of when. If your device has internet access, then you are handing your child the internet. Is she ready for all that entails?

As parents, we might think: What about filters? What about parental controls? What if I’m sitting right there? That’s not the same as handing my kid the entire internet, is it? But the truth is, filters fail and parental controls are not perfect. And let’s be honest, when we are handing a child a phone, we can’t always guarantee we will be there for every click.

Although we might intend to supervise our children’s tech use, it’s much more tempting to hand over the tablet to keep them busy while we are doing something else. And realistically, our children will be using technology on their own at some point. So why not teach them good habits from the very start?

Instead of deciding that a certain age will define the appropriate time for kids to use tech, instead consider these questions:

-What is really on my phone? (If there is internet access, then there is access to pornography. Also, many apps have a backdoor to the internet.)

-Does my child know what to do if she encounters inappropriate material? (Check out our RUN Plan for easy 3 easy steps to teach your kids.)

-Could I hand my child something else (food, toy, book, etc.) to meet the need at hand? (Sometimes we tend to use technology out of laziness. It’s so easy, and usually within arm’s reach. Stop. Think. Take time for purposeful parenting.)

-Why am I handing my child this tablet? Is there a specific purpose, or am I using it as a pacifier? (Our children’s book, Noah’s New Phone, does a great job exploring this issue.)

 

The amount of time spent on digital devices will vary with age and time of the year. We recommend families discuss how much time they think should be spent on the internet or watching tv. Nowadays a lot of homework is done online collaboratively and turned in electronically, so during the school year, there may need to be additional screen time allowed. Talking with your pediatrician about appropriate amounts of screen time can also be helpful. They generally recommended no more than two hours of screen time a day, but that may need to be adjusted for how we communicate nowadays.

Balancing real life experiences with screen time is also an important consideration. If there seems to be a good balance, you may not need to set specific limits, but general ones can be helpful. For example, some families find it effective to have screen-free zones, like the kitchen table or bedrooms. Or they might establish a screen-free time in the evening for a few hours, so the family can interact without technology.

In our book How to Talk to Your Kids about Pornography, there is a discussion guide with questions to go over and a worksheet to take inventory of the family devices and to come up with limits and guidelines. The book is available here.

While time limits are helpful, we should also encourage our kids to be purposeful with the time they are spending with technology. Teaching them about media literacy and giving them the power to interpret what they encounter is just as important. Check out our children’s book Petra’s Power to See: A Media Literacy Adventure, a fun and valuable resource for starting these conversations with your kids. A read-aloud story about a little girl and her dad and their journey with media through the big city, this book also includes a discussion guide, “Let’s Practice” segments, and a Media Guideline to help your family plan strategies together.