By Tina Mattsson
A few nights ago, my 11-year-old daughter shook me awake in the middle of the night. “Mom, are we going to get into a war with ISIS? Is ISIS going to bomb us?” These are confusing questions to be asked while still half asleep. It took me a few seconds to even comprehend what she was asking. And then it took me a few more seconds to figure out why she would even have those questions. We had a very brief discussion about how we are safe and everything is okay, and I sent her back to bed. Because come on, it was 2 a.m.! I’m not usually on my best parenting behavior at that time. The next morning, I realized the first step was to stop having the news on in the background. The next step was to have a longer discussion with my daughter to figure out where these fears were coming from and to help her process her emotions.
We often think of childhood as a carefree time. Everything is puppies and rainbows and playgrounds and friends and happy. But children can face the same emotional fears and uncertainties as adults. Issues can range from making new friends at a new school to divorce, and even to more serious issues such as abuse and neglect. Kids don’t even need to experience these issues first-hand to feel stress from them.
According to the American Psychological Association, “Building resilience—the ability to adapt well to adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or even significant sources of stress—can help our children manage stress and feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. However, being resilient does not mean that children won’t experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common when we have suffered major trauma or personal loss, or even when we hear of someone else’s loss or trauma” (Resilience Guide for Parents and Teachers, n.d.).
What are some ways we can help our children through difficult times?
Turn off the TV – This is a simple one. And it was the very first thing I did when I realized my daughter was afraid of ISIS after hearing about the attacks in Paris.
Listen to your children – If they need to talk through their worries, listen to them. Practice actively listening. In other words, put down your phone and look at them as they talk. Then repeat back to them what you are hearing to confirm. Example: “I hear you are worried that you may not have anyone to sit with at lunch since you are new to the school.”
Share your feelings – It’s okay for your children to know you are sad or uncertain. Feelings are normal. Showing your kids you have the same feelings as they do can help normalize their feelings.
Don’t minimize fears – Allow children to talk through their issues. It can be tempting to hush our kids and convince them all is well because it’s hard to watch our kids feel fear or uncertainty. But doing that tells them their feelings aren’t valid.
Validate your children – We may realize the junior high drama is meaningless and will be over tomorrow, but to our children, this is the most important issue in their life right now.
Do something fun together – Try to get their mind off their concerns. Go on a walk, read a book, or cook dinner together.
There is no doubt that our kids will face difficult times in childhood. Some will be minor and some can be life-altering. But if we can help them successfully navigate their concerns and uncertainties, we can raise resilient kids. And their skills of resilience will serve them through the rest of their lives.
For more ideas on creating a truly resilient child who can successfully face the challenges your kids will encounter, check out . Inside, you will find ideas, discussion questions and activities that will strengthen your child emotionally, socially, spiritually, intellectually, and physically! Best of all, the activities and discussions will bring you closer together.
Another great guide is the Resilience Guide for Parents and Teachers from the American Psychological Association. It offers these tips as well:
Stick with your routine. Young children especially crave routine. If you normally read a book together at bedtime, make sure you keep that habit in place. If you have a night set aside as family night, continue to utilize that time together.
When children have questions, answer them honestly but simply. Then add reassurances that leave no room for doubt such as, “I will always take care of you.”
Help your children keep perspective. “When your child is a victim of the shifting social alliances that form in middle school, help him or her understand that other children may be feeling just as lonely and confused, and help her see beyond the current situation—alliances that shift one way may shift back again the next week in middle school.”
Make your home a safe place both physically and emotionally. There are immense social pressures on our kids and teens at school. Home should be a safe haven for them. Our kids should feel comfortable coming to us as parents for any issue, big or small.
Available in Kindle or Paperback.Or Check out Conversations with My Kids: 30 Essential Family Discussions for the Digital Age–A simple, super-helpful guide that gives YOU the words to talk about tough, timely topics of today (like racism, terrorism, LGBTQI issues, integrity, agency, social media, and more).
Tina Mattsson has a BA in Journalism with a Minor in English. She is a mother, writer, and advocate for children’s safety and education.
Citations:
Resilience Guide for Parents and Teachers. (n.d.). Retrieved November 23, 2015, from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/resilience.aspx
