Research conducted by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) estimates that approximately 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18. (National Sex Offender Website, n.d.) Parents can combat this statistic by having open and empowering conversations with their children.
By Amanda Grossman-Scott
April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Do you know the definition of sexual assault? Does your child? If your child was sexually assaulted, would he or she recognize it? Or would she walk away feeling like she had allowed something to be done to her and or that she is somehow at fault?
The Bureau of Justice defines Sexual assault as: “A wide range of victimizations, separate from rape or attempted rape. These crimes include attacks or attempted attacks generally involving unwanted sexual contact between victim and offender. Sexual assaults may or may not involve force and include such things as grabbing or fondling. It also includes verbal threats.” (Bureau of Justice Statistics, n.d.)
This definition is broad and most likely makes many of us reflect on incidences that have made us uncomfortable, and most of us have had some exposure to this type of behavior. Generally, anytime someone puts their hands on another person in a sexual way that is uninvited and unwanted, and does not respect the other person’s request to stop, it can be deemed a sexual assault.
What is it about our current culture that makes some people feel they have a right to put their hands-uninvited- on someone else? Our hyper-sexualized culture which has made pornography acceptable and prevalent has a lot to do with it. In pornography, no one asks permission to touch another person, women are frequently coerced, and players are constantly acted upon without consent.
I have a 9 year old boy who bites his finger nails. I want him to stop this terrible habit, of course. I have some nasty tasting stuff I can put on his nails to help him stop. I told him I would do it when he would he was sleeping if he wouldn’t let me put it on when he is awake. He looked startled and a little scared.
“Mom, you said my body is MINE and no one can touch it without my permission!”
The thought of someone touching him (any part of him) without his permission is appalling to him and I am grateful for that. Because if he knows that his mother shouldn’t be touching his fingers without permission, he absolutely knows that no one should touch him ANYWHERE without his permission.
As a child, I was sexually assaulted by an adult. I’d been taught to listen to adults and not question them (as most children are). So when I was victimized, I didn’t know I was allowed to tell him “no”.
So the key question to ask yourself is this, does your child know that he or she is allowed to express discomfort to adults who are in charge of them? Does your child know what is appropriate touching between children as well as between adults and children? Does your child know that he or she has the right to say “NO!” when it comes to his or her body? If not, you need to start teaching them!
Many parents prefer to believe sexual assault cannot happen to their child. Many parents will warn their children about strangers, but we need to wake up to the facts:
- Only about 10% of perpetrators of child sexual abuse are strangers to the child.
- 60% of perpetrators of sexual abuse are known to the child but are not family members, e.g., family friends, babysitters, child care providers, neighbors.
- About 30% of perpetrators of child sexual abuse are family members.
- Not all perpetrators are adults—an estimated 23% of reported cases of child sexual abuse are perpetrated by individuals under the age of 18. (National Sex Offender Website, n.d.)
So how do we teach our children what sexual assault is without scaring them unnecessarily and helping them to feel confident in their ability to recognize when someone touching them isn’t right? How do we teach them that they have dominion over their own bodies and no one else’s?
Speak to your children frankly and frequently about the types of touching that is appropriate and that which is not. This is a good opportunity to make them feel good about their bodies but can also turn into a shame-inducing conversation about body parts. Make sure this doesn’t happen by approaching it from an empowerment perspective. Some conversation starters:
“Did you know that YOU are in charge of your body?”
“Did you know that you don’t have to hug or kiss or even shake hands with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable?”
“Do you know that you are strong and that your voice has power?”
“What do you think you’d do if someone touched your private parts?”
“Let’s practice yelling ‘No!’ together!”
Like all conversations, this one probably won’t go perfectly. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’ll be establishing yourself as someone your child can trust and is comfortable talking about these things.
Click here and here for more information on child predators.
See our book 30 Days of Sex Talks, and to find ways to start conversations about topics like this; including lessons and activities to empower your child with knowledge!
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Great lessons, quick and simple discussions.Citations:
Dru Sjodin National Sex Offender Website. (n.d.). Retrieved April 27, 2015, from http://www.nsopw.gov/en/Education/FactsStatistics
Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). (n.d.). Retrieved April 27, 2015, from http://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=317
