By Kami Loyd
“There are no rules in this house, I’m not like a regular mom! I’m a cool mom. Right, Regina?” We all remember when Mrs. George says this as her daughter and friends come home from school in the movie Mean Girls. Thankfully, most parents aren’t like Mrs. George, wanting to be their daughter’s “bestie,” trying to get the “4-1-1” on what is happening at school. Although we, as parents recognize this farce is an over-exaggeration of parents wanting to be friends with their child, we still desire the connection that friendship allows.
As parents, we may look at others who seem to have a deep connection with their child and feel twinges of jealousy when we are struggling to simply get our kids to listen to us. When these feelings arise it can be easy to want to emulate Mrs. George, seeking to be their friend instead of their parent.
Most parents want to have the idyllic TV parent-child relationship like Mrs. Cleaver, Mrs. Brady, or Mrs. Huxtable who when their children had a problem would give them the perfect advice, always ending in a heart-warming hug emphasizing the perfect friend/parent balance for each of their children. However, if you are like me, you give your children advice and they often ignore it or throw a tantrum.
It isn’t that we don’t want to be our children’s friend, it is simply that we understand that many times our kids need more of a parent than another buddy. But is it possible to be both? I think it is.
It can be especially difficult to know which role to emphasize, parent or friend, because we never want our children to experience heartache, sorrow, pain, or anything negative in life. However, it is essential to allow our children to have experiences, even negative ones. We choose to act as a parent and friend, by listening, supporting, guiding and directing. Being a parent is being a friend to our children but with the additional responsibility of teaching them how to be good people.
Here are some roles we can play that help define us as a parent or friend:
- Cheerleader- Whether they have earned a good grade, are trying a new sport/hobby, or are struggling to overcome the everyday challenges of growing up, children need a parent who is in their corner and cheering them on just as a friend would. The Raising Children Network (2017) has found:
- Some children, especially those who are less confident, need more encouragement than others. When praise is encouraging and focused on effort, children are more likely to see trying hard as a good thing in itself. They’re also more likely to keep trying and to be optimistic when they face challenges.
- Children need you to be the friend who is their constant encouragement, no matter whether they are doing well or doing poorly.
- Structure Overseer- Just as your child has a schedule in their school day, children crave a similar structure at home. Karen Spangenberg Postal (2011) says, “Parents naturally lend their children structures that allow them to function in complex situations.” When children do not know what to expect they may get overstimulated, frustrated, or throw tantrums. Children need you to be the parent who gives them an outline of what will be happening and when.
- Listener- When our children are struggling with peers in school, understanding a new math concept, or feel that they are being bullied, these are times your child needs you as a friend. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2014) asserts,
- It is sometimes tempting to brush off our children’s problems, especially if we have had a bad day, if we are busy, or if our child seems to have the same problems over and over. But our children need to know that we are going to listen to them.
- Children need you to be a friend who doesn’t always advise them or fix their problems, but sometimes simply listens to them without judgment.
- Leader-Just as we don’t make up rules as we go along in a game, children need to know the rules and what is expected of them before they break the rules. Marianne Neifert (2014) explains, “Intuitively [children] know that they need an adult to be in charge, and they count on their parents to guide their behavior.” Children need you to be the parent who creates reasonable rules and guidelines for them to follow.
- Liberator- When our children are unable to complete something by themselves such as climbing the big slide or tying their shoes, it can be easy to take control and do it for them. Children need you to be the friend who instead of allowing them to become defeated and doing it for them, encourages them to complete or at least attempt it by themselves.
- Consequence Giver– In life, there are consequences for our actions. Ignoring or helping your child to avoid consequences can be detrimental to their overall maturation. Bill Maier (2008) reports, “Our kids benefit when they learn that life is made up of these cause-and-effect relationships — even though the effects they experience may sometimes be unpleasant.” Children need you to be the parent who allows them to experience small consequences while they are young instead of large consequences when they are adults.
There are many times when it can be difficult to know if we should act only as our child’s parent or as their parent and friend. It is important to remember that no matter what our child is going through, they need us.
One of the best ways we can work on building the parent-friend relationship with our child is to engage them in conversations like the ones found in 30 Days to a Stronger Child or Conversations with My Kids: 30 Essential Family Discussions for the Digital Age. We don’t have to try to be Mrs. George, Mrs. Cleaver, Mrs. Brady, or Mrs. Huxtable Simply being ourselves and doing our best will give our children the best parent they can have: us.
Kami Loyd received her bachelors of Marriage and Family from Brigham Young University-Idaho. She and her husband have been married for four years, and she is the proud mother of four children. Her interests include reading, board games, and most of all her family. She is passionate about helping her children and others find joy in family life.
Citations:
Center for Disease Control. (2014, May 13). Active Listening. Retrieved November 21, 2017, from https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/communication/activelistening.html
Maier, B. (2008, November). Behavior and Consequences. Retrieved November 21, 2017, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective-biblical-discipline/approaches-to-discipline/behavior-and-consequences
Neifert, M. (2014, March 18). Why Kids Need Rules. Retrieved November 21, 2017, from http://www.parenting.com/article/why-kids-need-rules
Raising Children Network. (2017, May 06). Praise, encouragement and rewards. Retrieved November 21, 2017, from http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/praise_and_encouragement.html
Spagenberg Postal, K. (2011, November 11). How Structure Improves Your Child’s Brain. Retrieved November 21, 2017, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-better/201111/how-structure-improves-your-childs-brain
