By Kaitlin Harker
“Mom!” your oldest child yells, “Jacob took my video game!” You run into the living room to see what is going on. Once again, they are fighting over the video game they were supposed to be sharing. With a sigh of exhaustion, you talk to your sons about the importance of taking turns and sharing.
What is Sibling Rivalry?
Sibling rivalry occurs when there is competition, jealousy, and fighting between siblings. It is extremely common in most families. Sibling rivalry has both positive and negative effects. Some of the positive impacts of sibling rivalry are that children can learn more about communication, problem-solving, and conflict resolution. Sibling rivalry has positive effects when parents respond in appropriate ways. When they do not, the negative effects come into play. It can be detrimental to your children’s relationships with one another. It can lead to your children harboring feelings of jealousy and resentment toward each other.
Technology and Sibling Rivalries
We’ve all seen how technologies such as social media, video games, or excessive internet use can contribute to sibling rivalries. Because of their addictive nature, it increases sibling rivalry as children fight over who uses the computer, chooses the television show, or plays a video game. One study found such changes in children who have excess mobile phone usage, which included an increase in obstinate behavior and a low tolerance for others’ idiosyncrasies. Perhaps the most concerning finding was that the majority of children in the study lost interest in just about every other activity except those involving their mobile phones (Aleem et al., 2021).
In my own home, I have watched as my brothers spend countless hours playing video games. Once they get off, it is almost like they forgot how to interact with other people. They begin to fight and argue. They copy the violent, physical actions seen in their games and normally end up irritating or even hurting each other. Along with increasing sibling rivalries, technology is also causing children to become disconnected and detached from their families as they spend more time on games or on the internet. They forget how to interact with others in real life.
Let’s learn more about the factors that play into sibling rivalry and how we can help our children work together and not against each other.
Factors that play into Sibling Rivalry:
- Children are going through developmental stages and trying to find out who they are as an individual. They are trying to figure out what they like, what they dislike, and who they want to be friends with.
- Children feel that they are getting unequal amounts of attention compared to their siblings. They may not know how to get attention in a positive way, so they resort to fighting with their siblings to get attention from them or from you.
- How parents treat their children and react to conflict. If a response to conflict in your home is fighting and aggression, then your children are more likely to resort to that same reaction.
- Stress in both the parents’ and children’s lives. Stress can decrease the amount of time parents and children spend together. It can also decrease everyone’s ability to handle conflict and tolerate frustration (Ryckman 2022).
Ways to Help Your Children Get Along Better:
- Don’t play favorites. Do your best to be fair regarding what your children don’t and do have.
- Try not to compare your children. Praise each child for who they are, their uniqueness, and their individual efforts. Help them find activities and hobbies that they enjoy that are not screen-related.
- Teach your children positive ways to get attention (Ryckman 2022). An example of this could be teaching your child how to share their toys with a sibling and play together. An example for an older child could be teaching them a proper way to ask for attention or ask for time to talk with you. To illustrate: “Mom, could I talk with you for a few minutes?” or “Dad, could we go shoot hoops?”
- Limit screen time in your home. Each child gets ‘X’ amount of minutes each day. Once their time is up, they need to get off the device.
- Find games and activities that you can play as a family. Get involved in these experiences. Don’t simply send your kids to play on their own. If the only activity you can do together must be screen-related, try these family-friendly video games: The Jackbox Party Pack, Super Mario, Overcooked, and Lego Star Wars (Boulter 2018).
There are powerful, yet simple things we can do today to help each of our children feel loved and valued. As we spend time with each of our kids, help them to see their individual worth, and avoid comparing them to one another, we can help our kids get along better with each other, and create deeper connections within our family.
For an amazing book that will build closeness through meaningful discussions, thoughtful questions, and compelling activities, check out our book 30 Days to a Stronger Child. Our book Conversations with My Kids: 30 Essential Family Discussions for the Digital Age, is also a fantastic resource with 30 family night discussions. Timely topics include: changing technology, AI, social media, healthy sexuality, integrity, overcoming fears, finding real joy, and so much more.
Kaitlin Harker is a junior at Brigham Young University and will be graduating next April with a degree in English. She has been married to her best friend for almost a year and they have a husky named Osha. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, being outside, and reading mystery novels.
Citations:
Aleem, N., Abro, M. R., Imam, I., & Gillani, A. H. (2021). Cell Phone Addiction in Children and Its Impacts on Their Psychology: A Cognitive Analysis of Children in Pakistan. Ilkogretim Online, 20(2), 955–962.
Sydney Ryckman. (2022, February). Sibling Rivalry. Sibling Rivalry | CS Mott Children’s Hospital | Michigan Medicine. Retrieved July 2, 2022, from https://www.mottchildren.org/posts/your-child/sibling-rivalry
Boulter, M. (2018, January 5). 10 video games you can play with your family. PBS. Retrieved July 7, 2022, from https://www.pbs.org/newshour/arts/10-video-games-you-can-play-with-your-family
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