By Mary Ann Benson, M.S.W., L.S.W.
Most people are well aware of the need to provide food, shelter and clothing for their children and do an excellent job in those areas. However, we are often unaware of the critical need for us to create and nurture our children’s ability to emotionally connect with others. I have defined connection as the process of developing genuine, caring concern for another person. There seem to be an ever-increasing variety of ways for us to digitally connect with others, but the genuine, caring component of connecting seems to be lacking. An article in the Journal of the American Psychological Association confirms this dilemma.
“People today are more connected to one another than ever before in
human history, thanks to Internet-based social networking sites and
text messaging. But they’re also more lonely and distant from one
another in their unplugged lives,” says Massachusetts Institute of Tech-
nology social psychologist Sherry Turkle, PhD. This is not only changing
the way we interact online, it’s straining our personal relationships as well. (Price, 2011)
I had the good fortune of spending several years of my early childhood in a multi-generational family. I had strong ties to my extended family members during that time. There were routine experiences that I fondly remember, as well as large, family gatherings to celebrate special occasions and holidays. I appreciated the predictability of my childhood, which greatly contributed to my sense of security.
Being and staying connected as a family has become challenging and parents need to work to create an environment that fosters human connection. That ability ideally should be modeled in the home, which is the greatest classroom children ever attend. I wanted to offer concrete examples of how this connecting can occur, so I decided to poll my four, adult children to find out their meaningful memories of experiences that helped them to feel connected while they were growing up. Here are my results.
- Family dinners. These were consistent to the degree possible, never elaborate, but always filled with conversation about what was going on with everyone, current events, and usually good-natured teasing about something someone had done. I read a study several years ago that polled National Merit Scholarship finalists to see if there were any commonalities. Family dinners were the common denominator among them.
- Interest in each individual Child. Our children were taken individually to plays, lectures by famous authors, concerts, and sporting events. They were given the opportunity to share the interests of their parents, as well as to explore their own interests one-on-one with a parent.
- Nurturing a sense of humor. Our family loves to laugh. Our children were given joke books when they were young, and an effort was always made to see the humor in ourselves and situations. That has been a great coping skill for all of us, and when we are together we have great fun recounting the many hilarious events our family has shared.
- Be genuinely interested in and delighted by your children. We need to express interest in the things that our children find important, even if they seem unimportant to us. We need to be delighted in their efforts, despite the outcome. We cannot force our agenda on them, but need to allow them the freedom to explore their own curiosity.
- Family vacations. My children have wonderful memories of our family vacations. One of them recalled that her father always asked each child what was one thing they would like to do while on vacation, and that experience always occurred. It made each child, regardless of birth order, feel that they had a voice. They also remember the enjoyment of extended family vacations when grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were together. They liked knowing that all of us enjoyed each other’s company.
- Special occasions and holidays. Family birthdays were always celebrated with the birthday person choosing the meal for supper and what kind of cake he or she wanted. A party with friends was usually a sleepover. Before Christmas, each child was asked what one gift they would be disappointed not to see under the tree, and that gift was always delivered. Christmas morning was calm and delightful as each person in the family took turns opening presents so we could enjoy seeing each other’s gifts. My husband always cooked a big breakfast after we opened our presents, and then we would all take a nap!
Family life can be the source of tremendous enjoyment that cannot be found elsewhere. Memories of our childhood remain with us throughout our lives and can be a great source of comfort and direction. We need to be diligent in creating homes where people learn the irreplaceable value of human connection and its contribution to our physical and emotional health. We need to provide experiences for our children to serve others and feel the self-satisfaction that comes from stepping outside of ourselves. We need to model for them what a healthy friendship looks like and talk to them about the endless benefits of having and being a good friend. We need to spend more time talking to our family members and less time engaging with screens. A quote from Richard Bach sums it all up:
“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.”
Our books have many great conversation starters, and they can help you improve communication between you and your children and help you stay connected. Check them out! ; How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography, which is also available in ; and .
Need Help with Tough Topics? We got you covered!Mary Ann Benson is a Therapist, Wife and Mother of four.
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Price, M. (2011, June 1). Alone in the Crowd. Retrieved October 5, 2015.
