5 Things To Never Say To Your Teenager

By Caron C. Andrews

Every parent has found themselves at one time or another saying things to their teenagers that they later regret. Or that shut down whole conversations. Or that their kids make clear are neither helpful nor welcome. These are things that can pop easily into your mind when you’re mad or frustrated at your teen and that you may find yourself uttering before you realize it. I can think of five of them and have come up with better possibilities you can use. These will not only help treat your teen more kindly, they will help him build his self-worth.

1. “Calm down!” Ironically, these two little words could be the one utterance that stirs up your teen’s anger or frustration quicker than anything else you could say. (How do you like it when someone says it to you when you’re fuming?) Instead of that patronizing expression, try saying, “I hear your anger/frustration/anxiety. Tell me what happened.” A statement like this tells your teen their emotions are valid and gives them a chance to vent.
2. “Don’t worry; it’ll get better.” Although that may be true, it’s not helpful when your teen is actively worrying. What your teen needs in that moment is to work through the problem with positive actions. Say to them, “Let’s look at the whole picture. What is your worst fear about this? What is the reality of the situation?” This will help them to de-escalate their feelings and be able to take a more rational view of the problem.
3. “You’re just like your (insert undesirable relative reference here-meant in an insulting way).” Especially if your teen knows how you feel about the person you’re comparing them to, this is just harsh. There are better things to say no matter how much your teen’s behavior reminds you of the person in question. Try helping your teen identify the not-so-good qualities you take issue with instead. “I see that you’re angry, but being sarcastic isn’t helping.”
4. “Why can’t you be more like ____________?” This is another comparison that is designed simply to insult your teenager by comparing a “good” kid to a “problem” kid within the family. Recognize that each person is an individual with their own strengths and weaknesses, and don’t shame your teen for being different from their sibling. Say instead, “Let’s look at this from the other person’s point of view: how do you think what you did made him feel?”
5. “What were you thinking?” This question undermines any valid reason your teenager had for doing whatever they did. Yes, teenagers do stupid things at times, but don’t assume that’s the case. Ask instead, “What was going on when this happened?” Or “How were you feeling when this was going on?” Give your teen a chance to explain the situation—it could be much less problematic than you’re thinking.

Even when tensions escalate and tempers flare, it’s important to keep lines of communication with your teenager open and flowing. Keeping calm and resisting this kind of demeaning talk while building your kids’ sense of self-worth will help immensely.

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