This is part one of a two part series focusing on tips for survivors of sexual abuse. Part two is here.
By Michelle Harkey, MA, LMHC
Having ‘The Talk’ isn’t easy for most parents, but if you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), incest or rape, talking to your children about healthy sexuality can be particularly difficult. However, one of the best ways to safeguard your children against the dangers of sexual assault is to teach them about, and model, healthy sexuality in everyday life.
The following four hurdles to expressing and teaching healthy sexuality are difficult for survivors, and perhaps not all of them apply to you, but they are common and very real for many people who have experienced sexual assault of any kind.
Shame and secrecy were a key aspect of the abuse. Abuse thrives in secrecy, so you were likely overtly or covertly taught to not talk about the abuse or about sex in general. Perhaps you’re even ashamed of your body and its natural functions. You may have spent many years trying to avoid topics surrounding sex and bodies because you didn’t want to reveal the ‘secret’ or maybe because such topics were taboo in the family. Overcoming this, as well as the fear that talking about sexuality will somehow identify you as an abused, “dirty” or “unworthy” person, is a big hurdle.
Try this: Brene Brown speaks powerfully about Shame and Vulnerability. All of her books and talks are worthwhile, and you can start with this TED talk, “The power of vulnerability.”
Then, be bold and brave and have The Talk anyway. Maybe you’ll need to practice with a friend or visit with a counselor before you bring it up with your children, but do it even if it isn’t perfect. You may also want to consider breaking the silence and simply sharing in an age-appropriate way (without details or names) that you have experienced CSA or other sexual assault with your children, family or friends.
Dissociation was likely a survival tactic during the assault and may come up when you think or talk about sex now. Does it sometimes feel like your brain and your body are not quite in sync or together? Do you ever feel that suddenly you drop back into the experience of the abuse and it is hard to distinguish the present from the past? Do you mentally ‘check out’ when the topic of sex comes up? These may be signs you are dissociating. Dissociation helped lessen the impact of the abuse while it was happening; it was natural, outside your control and served to keep you alive and sane. Now, however, it may be triggered by certain topics, situations, smells, etc., and stop you from expressing healthy sexuality with your children or partner.
Try this: Grounding is a way of getting in contact with your body. Stop and focus on your feet for a minute or two. How do they feel? Light? Heavy? Tingly? Hot? Cold? Where do they naturally touch the floor? Are both feet touching the floor in the same way? Rock your feet back and forth on the floor in different ways. Simply be curious about the experience of having feet and notice all the aspects you can. Now check in with your feet again. Do they feel the same as when you started? Relax and breathe for a few minutes now.
Many survivors experience an intimate life split. An intimate life split is when the emotional life and sexuality are in two completely different categories and seldom, if ever, meet. For instance, you may share sexual intimacy with one person and another person may be your emotional support. Another variation is sequestering any physical touch strictly to sexual intimacy and/or never allowing emotional vulnerability to be present during sex. This can make discussing healthy sexuality with your children, with whom you likely have a strong emotional connection, fairly difficult.
Try this: Awareness that healthy relationships include appropriate touch, emotional connection and vulnerability can bring shifts all by itself. Strive to bring all of your true self to each of your relationships. If you do not feel it is safe to include all aspects of yourself, just as you are, it’s worth discussing the difficulty with a counselor or another trusted person.
Modeling healthy sexuality is a struggle for some survivors. In fact, sometimes as a survivor it is hard to know what healthy sexuality looks like. If your first or most formative introduction to sexuality took place in the context of sexual abuse or assault you may not know what healthy sexuality is.
Try this: Ideally you would find someone who lives a life which includes healthy sexuality and spend some time with them in their home watching how they interact with their loved ones. Perhaps this could be a good friend, or maybe even your more distant relatives or in-laws. Alternately, you could research books and websites which discuss healthy sexuality or sexual healing. Staci Haines’ book, Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma, is a great one.
Life after sexual assault can be challenging at times. Some of the more common challenges include when your child reaches the age you were when you were first (or worst) assaulted; when your child reaches sexual maturity or new milestones in sexuality; and when you get to have The Talk again (and again). Mild discomfort is fairly normal, but if you are having moderate or extreme difficulty please get in contact with a counselor, therapist, doctor, or other supportive person who has the knowledge to help you move forward into a better emotional situation.
Sexual assault in all forms leaves complex scars on the mind and body. A holistic somatic (mind-body) counselor can offer a wide range of services to help you heal on many levels. You may want to look for someone who can offer TRE (Trauma Release Exercises), Bioenergetic Analysis, Somatic Experiencing (SE), EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Core Energetics, Hakomi Method, or any number of other body-based therapeutic interventions. Healing is possible.
If this rings true for you or your family, it is time to start the conversations with your children today. These conversations should be open and safe for your child to ask questions and speak openly. For more information about how to talk to your children about sex check out our book Other books that will help you with this critical subject are How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and All titles and many others available on Amazon.
Need Help with Tough Topics? We got you covered!Michelle Harkey helps men and women release tension and trauma from their bodies so they can live a fuller life in fulfilling relationships. To do this, she specializes in body-oriented (somatic) psychotherapy/counseling and body-connection coaching. She is also the mother of five children. In her self-care time she enjoys sitting in hot springs while reading; competing in triathlons; and has recently decided to try scuba diving. Michelle has a MA Liberal Arts and a MA Counseling.
