Talking to Kids About Public vs. Private Discussions

By Spencer Loyd

Has your two-year-old ever proudly announced in a public place: “I have a penis!”? It happened to me last week while we had guests over for dinner. Unfortunately the two-year-old was my daughter who, after a quick reminder, corrected herself and then proclaimed: “vagina.”  

Most people would laugh, maybe a little uncomfortably, as my guests did, because as adults we typically understand that talking about our body parts is a private discussion (just between trusted caregivers/parents and children), not a public one (talked about openly with anyone).

Unfortunately, children are public creatures. They are not born with a sense of what should be discussed in private and what should not. Instead, they are more concerned with taking pride in understanding how their bodies work and all of the new words they have learned. 

Most parents will have experiences like the one above that will be humorous and embarrassing all at once, but it is important to remember not to freak out. With careful direction and guidance children will learn how and where to have discussions about their body parts.

It is important to teach your children the correct anatomical names of body parts, even if you also teach them your family’s nicknames for them. Dr. Perri Klaus quotes Dr. Sandy K. Wurtele (2016), a professor of psychology who said:

Knowing the terminology may make children less vulnerable to sexual abuse; prospective offenders may understand that children who are comfortable with the right names for body parts are children whose parents are willing to discuss these subjects, and children who probably will have been told about the kinds of touching that are not O.K.

All parents want to protect their child from becoming a victim of sexual abuse and having a private conversation about the names of body parts can help parents do this. 

Dr. Wurtele has also said that teaching children the correct name for body parts helps them to develop a more positive body image. This too is something all parents want to encourage. Some great resources in addition to correct terminology are our articles Healthy Body Image and and our Messages about Me children’s books.

Now if private discussions ended with labeling body parts and the basic functions, I think most parents would breathe easy, but as I have learned from my seven-year-old they do not. I have had multiple conversations about what he talks about with his friends at recess. Some of the conversations he has told me about, like sex, should be private conversations between parents and children, but he assures me that “everyone” is talking about these things on the playground. I remember being his age and having similar conversations with my friends, so when my seven-year-old talks about these things, I don’t freak out.

Children are very curious and will look for answers whether we give them to them or not. Therefore, beginning conversations about sex, puberty, pornography, etc. should start earlier in a child’s life rather than later (for tips on when and how to talk to your child see 30 Days of Sex Talks).  

If a child is taught that sex is a private conversation and that when they have questions they can come to you, they are more likely to come to you for answers about private conversations than turn to their peers who are most likely as uninformed as they are. For example, after my son told me about the sex conversations “everyone” was talking about, I told him that his friends don’t really know about sex. Since I do, he can talk to me about sex, but he shouldn’t talk with his friends about it. He came home and reported that the next time his friends began talking about sex, he told them they didn’t know what they were talking about, and the conversation ended. Simply explaining to kids that their peers really might not know what they are talking about can open lines of communication between us and our kids for these private conversations. 

Children want to have meaningful conversations with parents. A 2008 study found “44% of the teenagers questioned said they did not trust the sex advice they received from their friends and 75% wished they could talk more easily with their parents about sex and growing up.” As parents engage with their children on topics such as sex, they will not only be getting correct information, they will also be building trust in you. When having these private conversations with your child, make sure they are open conversations instead of informational seminars or lectures. Children should know that when these discussions are taking place you are willing and able to answer their questions, even the ones that may be a little personal. 

Teaching children when to have public and private conversations may take some practice but they are essential for children to understand. When your child does begin a private conversation in public, Don’t Freak Out! Instead, handle it with a bit of humor and grace, because others have probably been in a similar situation. Your children will eventually learn the guidelines for private vs. public conversations and as they build trust in you, they will look to you as their best resource. 

Check out our latest book, Conversations with My Kids: 30 Essential Family Discussions for the Digital Age–A simple, super-helpful guide that gives YOU the words to talk about tough, timely topics of today (like racism, integrity, agency, healthy sexuality, LGBTQI issues, social media, and more).

Spencer Loyd is the father of four amazing children under the age of 10. He attended Brigham Young University-Idaho and studied Marriage and Family Studies, and currently works as a substance abuse counselor at a correctional facility. Spencer has a passion for music, especially creating his own with his family and binge-watching scary movies with his brothers. He also enjoys helping others succeed and seeing the joy this brings. 


Citations:

Andalo, D. (2008, September 19). Children misled by playground myths about sex. Retrieved December 20, 2017, from https://www.theguardian.com/education/2008/sep/19/sexeducation.secondaryschools 

Klass, P. (2016, November 01). Teaching Children the Real Names for Body Parts. Retrieved December 20, 2017, from https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/31/well/family/teaching-children-the-real-names-for-body-parts.html 

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